-- Ruthie-Annie

Moving house...

2005-05-25T16:21:00.000+01:00

I've moved my online home...

This blog has been great, and I hope the online friends I've met here come visit me on the new one!

Click here for an explanation and for my new blog.

Update your links!

When psychiatrists do something right...

2005-05-24T12:02:00.000+01:00

It humbles me to admit it, but American psychiatrists have done us all proud.

Big up the American Psychiatric Association, look what they've done:

Click Click

[EDIT]

Ha! Turns out the BBC got it wrong - never ever ever trust the media.

A quick flick around the web and I have discovered that it was the American Psychological Association who made the announcement. See here for more info.

It just goes to show that the media don't show much concern for accuracy and more importantly, that psychologists are still leading the way on progressive values.

Now, to advocate that the BPS makes a similar statement! :D

Peace Protestor Tagged

2005-05-17T14:50:00.000+01:00

A UK peace protestor has been electronically tied. See the BBC's website for more information.

Anyway - I've been learning all kinds of interesting bits and pieces about Quakerism in the UK. I'd love to hear what some of my American Friends make of them.

So here goes:

*40% of people who are members of British Yearly meeting do not consider themselves Christian (I'm surprised that the numbers are that high, but then again, thinking about it, I know a lot more Quakers in the UK who don't consider themselves Christian than those who do...so maybe that's not all that surprising).

*Some attenders in the UK don't become members as they feel unable to affirm the peace testimony (particularly in relation to WWII).

I've been mulling over the peace testimony and some quotations from other Friends and wondering what it means for me and for other modern day Friends. Anyone care to say anything?

"...I lived in the virtue of that life and power that took away the occasion of all wars." George Fox

"We utterly deny all outward wars and strife and fightings with outward weapons, for any end or under any pretence whatsoever. And this is our testimony to the whole world. The spirit of Christ, by which we are guided, is not changeable, so as once to command us from a thing as evil and again to move unto it; and we do certainly know, and so testify to the world, that the spirit of Christ, which leads us into all Truth, will never move us to fight and war against any man with outward weapons, neither for the kingdom of Christ, nor for the kingdoms of this world." (Declaration to Charles II - although I'm told that this was written to reassure Charles II and others that Quakers would not bear arms against them or anyone else, and so perhaps that context is important to bear in mind.)

Other expressions of the Quaker peace testimony can be found here.

Thoughts please?

Baby onions & shallots

2005-05-16T13:27:00.000+01:00

Hey-ho,

A deep and meaningful post today. One to lift one's heart to the very highest of spiritual ecstacies...or not.

On Saturday I made the mistake of giving Ken my Thai cook books and saying, 'Here you go darling, pick a recipe and after Quaker meeting, we can go to the Asian supermarket and get the ingredients and make it tomorrow for dinner.'

Ken picked a recipe with a long list of tasty ingredients, lemongrass, cardamon, cinnamon, nutmeg, shrimp paste, coriander seeds, garlic (120g of the stuff), coconut milk...yum yum yum. Two of the ingredients were shallots and baby onions. We bought some baby onions in the Asian supermarket, and then toddled over to another supermarket to buy shallots. There really didn't seem to be any difference between them - except the shallots were marginally bigger. They looked, smelt and tasted identical. So why were they listed as two separate ingredients - can anyone enlighten us, are baby onions and shallots the same thing?

Let this be a lesson to you - Ken picked one of the tastiest recipes in the book, but also one of the most complicated. Three hours later, with a kitchen splattered in shrimp paste, our hands reeking of garlic, a very very tasty curry emerged - but it took three hours of mixing, pounding, blending, stirring and frying to get there. Do not give men cookery books and tell them to pick what they like!

So - baby onions and shallots - does anyone know if they are different?

Fish on pilgrimage to find water

2005-05-13T14:09:00.000+01:00

There must be water around here somewhere!

"I laugh when I hear that the fish in the
water is thirsty.
I laugh when I hear that men go on
pilgrimage to find God."

Kabir

Thanks to Meredith from Graceful Presence.

Kingdoms, Monasteries and Mosques

2005-05-12T14:47:00.000+01:00

I went to see 'The Kingdom of Heaven' at the cinema last night. It starred Orlando Bloom (nice), but he looked uncannily like my younger brother in this film (off-putting). It brought home to me the ease at which we enter war and the sheer insanity of it. I'm not going to write an entire review of the film, nor am I going to write about the Crusades (I would only betray my ignorance). There was something else that struck me - not the politicking between kings and rulers, but rather the situation of ordinary people of whatever religion - mere pawns in a game of political chess, disposed of carelessly in senseless acts of war designed to promote one religion or one culture above another.

I am fortunate enough not to have witnessed a great deal of violence. (Yes, even growing up in Northern Ireland, its not something I've really experienced witnessed personally.) However, it is my conviction that the only way for peace in Northern Ireland is for Catholic and Protestant communities to meet one another, engage freely and openly with one another and respect the traditions of the other. On Tuesday night, a series entitled 'The Monastery' began on BBC2. (Apologies to non-UK readers). This is high quality reality TV (seriously). A group of men of various backgrounds have entered a Benedictine monastery for 40 days and the program is following their experiences.

One character, Gary, stood out. He is a fellow Northern Irisher, was formerly involved in the UDA (a paramilitary group) and spent much of his life in prison. Yet, more than any of the other characters - he was spoken of the acceptance and warmth he has experienced amongst the monks. The experience seems, to me anyway, to have had a unique impact on him compared with the others. I wonder, if entering into a Catholic monastery has something to do with it. When welcomed by another, especially if that other is someone or something we have previously had misconceptions about or are alien to, there can be a special appreciation of hospitality and sense of welcome.

I am reminded of an experience I had last summer on an interfaith walk for peace. The walk, which is taking place again this year on June 12th in Southampton should anyone care to join us, is a walking tour of various places of worship in Southampton - from the Hindu temple, to the mosque, to the church and the synagogue. It was also where I happily found the Quakers for the first time. As is typical of me and those who came with me, we arrived slightly late having spent more time than we had predicted finding a suitable parking space and so were somewhat disorganised and dishevelled. New to interfaith meanderings, I entirely forgot to bring something with me to cover my head. Thankfully, where it was necessary, head-coverings were provided. However, when we arrived in the mosque nothing was provided. Fancying myself as rather culturally aware, I approached one of the men at the door and asked if they had anything I could cover my head with. He ushered me into the room saying that it didn't matter.

There was something special to be welcomed as I was, uncovered, into another's sacred place. The mosque was special for some reason. Sitting on the soft carpet, listing to the Qu'ran sung in Arabic, I felt a special peace and the atmosphere felt more hospitable to me than anywhere else. It is in places like this that we make peace with one another, and places like this where perhaps, peace can begin on a broader scale. As we recognise and embrace our shared humanity, and learn to bow our heads (or cover them), respecting the religion of another, perhaps we can learn to live together, valuing the freedom of others and the value of their religion as much as we value our own freedom and our own faith.

Although I have not witnessed much in the way of religious violence, I have witnessed a more subtle form of violence - that of devaluing the faith or religion of another. In Northern Ireland, many protestants believe Roman Catholics are off a different religion, and some are want to ensure that everyone knows that this other religion is false. It is the same in other places - I've sat through prayer meetings where earnest Christians have prayed for the salvation of Muslims. By this they don't been liberation and peace for Islamic communities - they often mean that they want Muslims to become Christians. This too is fanaticism. Just as in the past, the temple in Jerusalem was jostled over and trampled over by those claiming it as their own, so today, true religion, true faith is trampled over by those claiming the whole truth for themselves.

It is only in learning, respecting and embracing that we can find peace. Perhaps friendship and hospitality can overcome the madness of fanatics.

Were there worlds beyond which they could never touch, or did all that is possible enter their consciousness? They could not tell. . . . Perhaps life is a mystery, not a muddle. . . . Perhaps the hundred Indias which fuss and squabble so tiresomely are one, and the universe they mirror is one. They had not the apparatus for judging. -EM FORSTER, A PASSAGE TO INDIA

RESULT!!

2005-05-11T17:30:00.000+01:00

YES!!!

Finally - its my 3rd year of PhD research and at last, I have a finding. A significant result, that no-one has ever found before. YES YES YES!

Sorry, that's all.

Thank you and goodnight.

A different kind of greed...

2005-05-05T16:11:00.000+01:00

I have something to confess. Last night Ken and I ate an entire 500ml tub of Ben and Jerry's oatmeal cookie ice-cream while watching 'Before Sunrise'.

In the film (or movie for readers across the Atlantic), one of the main characters talked about greed - people are greedy for money, for clothes, for fame, for success. He then added, people are also greedy for spirituality and to be a better person.

Actually, maybe spiritual greed, isn't all that much different from any other kind of greed really. All we really seem to want is to be better than the next person. If we can't be richer, if we can't be more successful, well, maybe we can be more spiritual or ethical, or compassionate or politically aware or something like that.

Well, it made me think anyway...

Home Sweet Home

2005-05-03T12:08:00.000+01:00

Hello,

My apologies for my absence - I should have let people know I was going to be away for a while. So yes, I am still alive and all is well :).

I left New York for a week of recovery in Northern Ireland. I hugged the trees, filled my lungs with the freshest of air, reaquainted myself with hills (of which there are surprisingly few in Manhattan) and listened to the waterfalls (of which there are none in Manhattan, at least that I know of) in Glenariff.

,

I'm back in Southampton now - settling into a new house and getting back to work. Four months of living with constant traffic noise has made me more aware and sensitive to other noises in England. I now notice things I didn't notice before. Birds singing, trees rusting, quietness. Of course its not all that idyllic. I've moved back into British studentland where state sponsored piss ups are all the rage! Alas, I have left behind the quiet (if a tad boring) maturity of NYU's medical student community for a bunch of undergraduate British lager lout footy fans next door. (I jest - I like my new neighbours, they're very friendly actually!)

Other nice things about being home is going to a familiar supermarket and having people to cook for. On Saturday I cracked open the Thai cook books that Ken bought me for Christmas and rustled up some sweet and sour vegetables, Som Tam (papaya salad - which was amazing, you would not believe how absolutely incredible this strange concoction of papaya, garlic, chilli peppers, fish sauce, ginger and peanut was) and lime chicken. Bland food Lorcan - I think not! I then worked off this rather extravagant meal (I haven't cooked properly in 4 months, ok) at the swimming pool conveniently located right by my office.

I've been back to Southampton Quakers as well. That was nice - as much as I loved Fifteenth street meeting and received an incredibly warm welcome into the community there - Southampton's smaller, cosier little meetings feels a little more like home. It was nice to be in a meeting that was entirely silent until about 10 minutes before the end :P! Fifteenth street is a little livelier ;).

BTW, I wasn't able to say goodbye to a lot of people at Fifteenth street - especially Rich (Brooklyn Quaker) and other people from the Friday night group - so if you're reading - thank you for the welcome and I hope our paths cross in the future. It was wonderful to be with you - I've learnt a lot and really appreciate the friendship I experienced at the meeting. My experience in New York wouldn't have been anywhere near as happy if it was not for you guys.

In other news I'm moving out of studentland in about 8 weeks. Ken and I found a beautiful flat to rent - in Bassett Green Village no less. Its as quintessentially English as it sounds and the name is admittedly a tad pretentious for a little corner of Saf-hamptin. Its all leafy green and quiet, next to a little unused but listed church building. I fear picnics with pimms on the green may be warranted.

An integrated life...

2005-04-13T17:00:00.000+01:00

Those who know me well will know that in the last 2 or 3 years I've seen some pretty big changes in my life, especially as regards to the way in which I practice my faith. Rob's recent blog entry about priorities really got me thinking about one of the things that has really changed for me.

In my former life priorities were clear. God came first and faith was the top priority. You did things because God said so - and such reasoning led me to many places I was not comfortable. God said gay relationships were wrong and Christianity was the only way - who was I to argue.

Needless to say, I see things very differently now. God has kind of evaporated, but the Spirit remains permeating and pervading everything. There is no longer any need to consciously "put God first". God simply is and as I live well and live deeply, I live in and through the Spirit, and by the way its all metaphor so I feel free to play around with these ideas.

Some people say that your spouse should be more important than your kids. I don't have kids, so for me this is purely hypothetical for me. However, having worked in family therapy, I know a strong parental relationship is essential in a 2-parent family - otherwise kids just run circles around the parents and all boundaries, limits and relationships break down. Caring for your kids means developing a strong relationship with your spouse that enables you to parent together. Its not like one comes first, but they're held in balance.

Again, some people seem to separate 'ministry or kingdom work' from 'normal work'. Similar to my concept of God - my concept of ministry/kingdom work is so merged to the concept of work and activities that the two don't separate for me. My PhD work (trying to decipher the best way to treat children with ADHD) is my ministry and my kingdom work. Whatever voluntary work I take up is also kingdom work (although I seldom volunteer for any overtly Christian activities). Likewise my hobbies are part of my kingdom life - restoring, rebuilding and renewing my own life and often providing the opportunity to engage positively in friendships and often in the wider community I find myself a part of.

I guess that's what I'm aiming towards - an integrated life where everything is held in balance and savoured deeply. This for me is the way of the spirit. In the words I heard in my first Quaker meeting, 'Spirituality is not a notion, but a way.'

Elections Fever

2005-04-12T17:42:00.000+01:00

The UK elections are coming up - time to decide who to vote for! Lib Dems will get my vote (or maybe the greens)- its time for a change in British politics! Although I doubt they will win :(

Anyway - UK citizens who don't know how to vote - check this out...

(BTW, if you don't know which way to vote, vote Lib Dem please - trust me, they are the best).

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Liberal Democrat

Your actual outcome:

Labour -14
Conservative -47
	Liberal Democrat 67
UK Independence Party -17
	Green 52

You should vote: Liberal Democrat

The LibDems take a strong stand against tax cuts and a strong one in favour of public services: they would make long-term residential care for the elderly free across the UK, and scrap university tuition fees. They are in favour of a ban on smoking in public places, but would relax laws on cannabis. They propose to change vehicle taxation to be based on usage rather than ownership.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Toronto

2005-04-11T03:17:00.000+01:00

How is that for an originally entitled post! I spent my first weekend away from Manhattan in over 3 months - sad, I know. I went to visit some friends of mine who now live in Toronto - it was a lot of fun and a different lifestyle altogether - what with their jacuzzi and everything!!! Ah the life! So in between swimming in their apartment's swimming pool and lazing in the jacuzzi, I've been sampling Toronto's jazz scene, eating an amazing brunch of hideously sweet pancakes & maple syrup and climbing (ok, getting the lift) to the top of the CN tower.

,

I even stood on the glass floor, which was a bizarrely frightening experience. Although you know it's glass and perfectly safe to walk on, your whole body screams, 'Nooo, don't stand there!!!' But I did it...eventually!

.

One more week of work left in Manhattan - it all seems to have gone by so fast. When I get home I'll upload some of my pictures and post them here. Its getting kind of sad now...I've made some friends in the last few months and as much as I'm looking forward to going back to Southampton, it will be sad so say goodbye. On a happier note - Ken comes in 5 days and I feel like a 6 year old waiting for Christmas.

But right now - its bed time!

What kind of bunny are you?

2005-04-07T18:47:00.000+01:00

congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hee hee - your turn!

Love is in the air...as is the cold!

2005-04-05T23:12:00.000+01:00

Well its spring time, the sun is shining and the fresh air is something of an aphrodisiac.

I don't usually blog about my relationship for two reasons. Firstly, I think its pretty sickly to read about other peoples' relationships. Secondly, I prefer to be a little private about it and not have embarrassing things spewed over my blog for the world to see. But what the hell...I'm dosed to the hilt on cold medicines, haven't eaten since breakfast (hoping that the old wive's tale about starving a fever might actually have some truth in it) and so I am feeling slightly euphoric!

On Monday Ken and I will have been together for one year. Unfortunately we've spent most of the last 3 months on separate continents, but amazing ourselves at the wonder of skype and the unbelieveable $10 diamond-europe calling cards which allow me 18 hours and 45 minutes of talktime to the UK. However, its now only 10 days until I see the lovely Ken again - and now the time is going soooo slowly. Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock.

I'm excited - I think I'm at my best when he's around. He brings out the good stuff in me. (That said, he's also privileged to see me at my very worst, poor guy). There is a lady at the Quaker meeting we go to back home who told me once that she enjoys watching us coming to meeting together. Ken worries that this is a Quaker way of saying, 'Urgh, you're too coupley'. I think he's just paranoid having spent too many years in Christian youth groups were pairing off and being "exclusive" was frowned upon.

I think she really does like seeing young people in the meeting, and that we are a young couple is also nice - apparently we remind her of when her and her husband came to the meeting in their 20s. I think couples can bring something genuinely special to a meeting. There is a couple at 15th street meeting in New York who kiss each other (just gently - not a full on frontal) at the end of Quaker meeting. I like seeing that - the tenderness, the warmth and the closeness that is there. Of course, they then turn and greet others around them.

A relationship is a great gift - both to the couple and those around them. As a couple we share our lives, our joys, our sorrows, our stressy moments, our love of garlic (thank God), and a great deal of fun. Just to add to this idyllic little picture I am painting, I like soft-centred chocolates (strawberry creams and the like) and Ken likes the nutty ones - see, even where we don't share the same tastes, it all works out for the best :). I don't think having a strong partnership makes you "exclusive" - but rather that we are together, living together, building our lives together and offering friendship and hospitality together to those around us. There are things I can offer with Ken that I cannot offer on my own.

But alas, enough of this noble talk. I'm just looking forward to a big mooshy kiss and massive full on, entirely sickening and completely unapologetic PDA at the airport :D

Cheer up

2005-04-02T01:44:00.000+01:00

I think I was told to put a more cheerful blog entry in soon after writing about the Iraq war and the Terri Schiavo case.

But I needed a little rant.

For those wondering what doing a PhD is really like (Post Liberal Laurence don't say I didn't warn you, ok)....

This will tell you all you really need to know and make you laugh at the same time...

PhD Comics

Har har har

H I L A R I O U S

ARGH!

2005-04-01T20:49:00.000+01:00

Caution, rant ahead.

I'm really starting to hate my PhD. Ok, that started some time ago...but I *REALLY* hate it now. I'm so bored! I spend my days doing lots of general boring administrative tasks. I find having lots of little things to do really grates on me - I'm no good at organising and getting everything done and constantly feel swamped. There is no end in sight - I've worked for over 2 years on the one project and its really doing my head in now. It really feels like I've accomplished nothing in over 2 years.

I haven't got enough participants to do any sort of meaningful analysis from my New York research and I have another study to run in England and if it doesn't work out I'm going to have no worthwhile data to speak of for my PhD...in all honesty, I don't feel confident that my study is of any real value and have no idea how I'm going to write it all up - and then there's the small matter of defending it!

I have 9 months left of funding and I really don't know if I'll get everything done on time. A big part of me wants to take the MPhil I can now claim from the university and run - and the reason I'm not doing that - well, everyone knows an MPhil is seen as a failed PhD and I know that won't look good on a clinical application. And what do I plan to do as soon as my PhD ends - get on to a clinical course and escape research land.

When I get bored with admin, I start surfing the web for clinical courses and making little lists of what courses I'd like to apply for.

I'm starting to see the wisdom of living in the present because right now I'm flipping between dreaming of how marvellous it will be when I finally make it on to a clinical course and panicking about how I'm ever going to manage to do a PhD!

Starving to death?

2005-03-25T20:33:00.000Z

This Terri Schiavo sitation is dominating the American news at the moment - every news broadcast is dominated by it. Last night several children (yes, children) were arrested for trying to break into the hospice to give Terri Schiavo some water. I fear this whole situation is being used in a wider political debate and I don't like that one family's tragedy is being smeared all over the media right now.

But listening to the pro-lifers is really making me think. They talk about how starving to death is cruel, they talk about the importance of providing medical care and sustenance to human beings.

I don't know what I think about the Terri Schiavo case. But I know this - around 35,000 people die daily of unnecessary starvation and around 842 million people are starving right now, people we know for sure to be sentient. (Statistics from starvation.net)

If only people cared as much about feeding them as they seem to for Terri Schiavo. If only our news reports were filled with these thousands and thousands of daily tragedies. If only there was the same outrage, the same political involvement (I've not seen George W cut his holiday short for the sake of Sudanese victims of genocide or the starving millions in Africa recently) and the same level of concern for these millions as for Terri Schiavo...

The Seeds of War?

2005-03-21T19:20:00.000Z

At the end of a weekend of protest against the war in Iraq, I'm left with some thoughts.

Firstly, politics matters. I can be all airy fairy and light candles and talk about inner peace, compassion and enlightenment - but unless it has some impact on how we engage with the world of politics, guns, warfare, starvation and poverty - well who cares?! We can sit on our cushions but unless we are concerned and engaged in the world around us - I think we're wasting our time.

If while we practice we are not aware that the world is suffering, that children are dying of hunger, that social injustice is going on everywhere, we are not practising mindfulness. We are just trying to escape.

Thich Nhat Hanh - Living Buddha, Living Christ

Yesterday I attended an interfaith gathering in Riverside church New York (where Martin Luther King has graced the pulpit). It was heartening to see Christians (even evangelicals - my prejudices are challenged, thank you Jim Wallis), Buddhists, Muslims, Jews and others join together in a quest for common humanity and peace. It was good to stand together, to remember together, to consider together and to call for peace and justice together. It was good. On Friday I attended a film and discussion hosted by the Quaker Arts Committee at the meeting I attend - the discussion was really something. It was very provocative and I feel challenged to examine myself and seek to live more justly and learn what peacemaking is about.

But I'm left tired and unsatisfied. There's a lot of anti-Bush rhetoric. America is a deeply fractionated country. Democrats and Republicans seem at each others throats. Those red-neck republicans from the backwaters who are simply blinded to the truth on one side and those liberal impractical hellbound democrats who don't care to protect our country and who don't understand the threat of terrorism on the other. As much as I sympathise with the cause - is deepening the divisions the way to do it?

I can't say I had a jot of disagreement with anything I heard said either at the Quakers or at Riverside church - I'm very much against the current war and occuption of Iraq. I think the only hope for peace and the rebuilding of Iraq is to get American and British troops out and for the international community to get involved to support the rebuilding of Iraq's infrastructure and the healing of its people.

I want to really look at my lifestyle and consider how it impacts on the poor, I want to do my part and call on those in power to do their part to bring justice and healing to nations across the world effected by terrible poverty and war - from Iraq to Sudan, from the Congo to Northern Ireland, from America to the Middle East. Terrorism breeds in poverty and inequality - tackle unfair trade, starvation and poverty and ensure that every people group has a piece of the pie to call their own and we will go far towards peace and the elimination of terrorist activities.

However, I am disturbed by the attitudes I'm finding amongst my fellow anti-war protestors. One might be forgiven for thinking we would gladly have the American president hung, strung and quartered. One might be forgiven for believing that we think republican voters are bumbling red-necks with no education who need to be converted to a more liberal philosophy. There is anger, there is hatred - and with the deepest of respect, I have to ask - is this really the way to peace?

At the end of the meeting at Riverside church, we joined hands together and sang, 'We shall overcome'. I have to say, I wasn't entirely comfortable with it. Yes, there is a struggle for justice, and yes we do need to stand together. But what exactly are we overcoming? Is it injustice, or is it George Bush and the Republicans? Are there two sides in this and can there only be one winner? I sincerely hope not! Is the language of 'overcoming' a really helpful way to make peace?

In the film, Gandhi, when Gandhi calls for civil disobedience against the British he forbids violent action and says that when the British leave India, he wants to see them off as friends. I wonder - do we have to stomp over George W and the Republicans, or can we see them as friends and learn to live and work together, being willing to listen and to take on board an alternative perspective. Can we consider it possible that we have something to learn from them. (And no, I don't have any ideas as to what this might be I'm afraid!)

Most Quakers believe that there is 'that of God in everyone' and from the days of George Fox we have encouraged one another to 'answer that of God in everyone'. Is answering that of God about dialogue, about listening to that of God in the other - or is it about taking a megaphone and screaming into the ears of our 'enemies', in an attempt to wake up the divine within them?! Jesus taught that we have to love our enemies.

Love implies openness - it requires that we are open to the good in them. It requires us to listen and to not immediately assume the worst. It requires forgiveness and a willingness to see the best in others - even our ememies. It requires that we recognise the sacred in the other person and that we honour it. The concept of 'namaste' might be helpful here?

Yes there has been lies, yes we need to speak the truth - but we also need to learn to live and love and have compassion - yes, even on George W and the Republican party. Their actions may have been appalling - but remember we may not understand the motivations behind them.

The way to peace is in listening and understanding - it is in seeking and reverencing the sacred wherever we find it. Yes, even in George W.

Namaste Mr. Bush, Namaste?

Happiness

2005-03-21T17:04:00.000Z

In Quaker meeting yesterday, a Friend brought a wonderful message. One of the words for happiness in Chinese is 'openheartedness'. To be happy is to be openhearted - to be open to recognise the goodness within others and to give generously from the goodness within ourselves.

Simple teaching - if only we could put it into practice.

I don't know what your destiny will be,
but one thing I do know:
the only ones among you who will be really happy
are those who have sought and found how to serve.

~ Albert Schweitzer

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle,
And the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.

~ Buddha (B.C. 568-488)

Namaste

2005-03-18T17:16:00.000Z

I learnt a new word this week from Meredith of Graceful Presence. By the way 'Graceful Presence' is a very unique blog. Deeply simple, down to earth, inspiring, gentle wonderful reflections. If you only have time for one blog today, leave mine and go there - it is truly wonderful.

Anyway, I think I was supposed to learn what this word means. Meredith signed off her comment on my blog, 'namaste' and I wondered what it meant. Last night, I read the first chapter of The Barn at the End of the World, which ends 'Namaste, I honour the god in you'. A quick flick around on google uncovered the following,

'In India when we meet and part we often say, "Namaste," which means...
I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides,
I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth, of peace.
I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me,
there is only one of us.
Namaste' ~ Ram Dass, Grist for the Mill (from here).

That is a wonderful concept and a gentle reminder to me to seek to recognise and affirm that of God in others. I am often opinionated and keen to tell my stories. This can be a strength, but it can also be a weakness as it is easy to get caught up in my own mind and forget that others have minds too. Sometimes I need to slow down and listen and recognise the beauty in light in the lives of those around me.

This week, my poetic juices appear to be leaking out after a couple of months of really not writing anything. Here is another offering. It is about my reaction to a man who sat behind me at a conference on Tourettes' sydrome.

Namaste

Shut up bitch
Fucking bitch
Shut up
Shit shit
Talking shit
Shut up

Coughing, spluttering, twitching,
Fidgetting, uncontrolled jerking and moving
Intrusive

Shut up bitch,
Fucking bitch
Fucking talk
Shut up, shut up.
Ha ha ha!
Shut up.

And you are really starting to irritate me now.
Me, the one who does not twitch or swear.
I, who am normal, in control of my body.
I am not a patient, I am a professional.

But you are grating on me, making me nervous, irritated, uncomfortable.

And I turn around,
Ready to stare
To observe this phenomenon,
And make note of the symptoms
Your behavioural profile.

What will I see?
Tics?
Tourettes?
Madness?

No.

Two brown eyes and a gentle smile.
I am sorry. I smile back, then lower my gaze
In humility towards that which is sacred.

Namaste.

(In part inspired by Heather's poem which she published on talkback.)

Home

2005-03-16T22:50:00.000Z

I've been a fan of Meister Eckhart for a while. One of my favourite quotations is "God is at home with us but we are strangers to ourselves." Today, I stumbled across another little gem,

"God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk."

Coming Home

I looked outside
For a reality beyond reality
Another world in heaven
Up there, somewhere
Just not the same as this one.
The one where God lives when he's not down here
Healing the sick and dying on crosses.

Nothing.

Perhaps another faith, another way
A search commences
The church, the mosque, the synagogue.
From east to west and back again
Meditation, prayer, spells and stones.

Nothing.

Books, Rabbis, pastors, preachers, teachers, gurus, writers, speakers, singers, poets...

Nothing.

Perhaps God does not exist I thought.
There's nothing else but this little world we live in,
Nothing but flesh and bones and people and trees,
Nothing but friendships and sharing, and work and play.
So, I might as well enjoy it,
Treasure the moment,
Live it well, live it fully, live it deeply.

And now,
What is this?
The thing I was searching for,
Was at home all the time.

McPoem

2005-03-16T03:13:00.000Z

I feel dirty and ashamed. On my way home tonight I had a sudden craving for some McDonalds chicken and I caved in and ate chicken at the capitalist arches :(

Can I be forgiven? I even wrote a little poem when I was there about the couple sitting at the next table.

The Activists.

You sit, face to face
Oblivious to glancing eyes,
Your hands touch
Skin to skin
Black against white.
Your eyes meet in a lovers' gaze
A strong arm reaches out to touch
A muscular torso
Leaning forward
Unaware that with one kiss,
Simply being yourself
You are dashing centuries of taboo
And liberating all of us.

Daddy meet the Quakers :S

2005-03-15T18:44:00.000Z

My dad is coming to visit me next week :)

This is good as it means I get to see my dad, talk Norn Irish and let my dad treat me to the finest of New York's tourist industry. Yippee :)

I've decided I love being a tourist in New York. I'm still new enough to find new things and get excited by it, but I'm also more in the know than the average tourist. Firstly I know my way around the city now so I know where things are. I know to combine trips to central park with a look around Bloomingdales. I know where the best shops are and how to get there. I know how to get cheap theatre tickets and I know which cafes and restaurants are really good, and which are to be avoided. (Sadly I have learned this the hard way and would like to know how it is that I can travel to Eastern Europe and not get a dicky stomach episode, but in America I've had several?!).

I know how to cross the road - a feat in Manhattan where the traffic lights only stop oncoming traffic - traffic that wants to turn the corner will just drive around you. For a British person this is terrifying. I know how to hail a taxi - again, something that takes some getting used to! I know how the subway works - ok, ok, I accidentally took the wrong train the other week and ended up on Roosevelt island whereupon I met another Irish girl who had done the same thing - but for the most part, I'm pretty good on the subway. I'm not afraid of it, unlike my friend Paul, a big strapping lad who can pack away 24 oz of bright red, blood pouring out steak and yet looked mortified to hear that I ride the subway alone, even at night. Personally I think I prefer the subway to the taxi - some of those drivers are pretty terrifying.

I am now wondering whether or not to ask dad to come with me to the Quakers. I'd be interested to hear what he makes of it. To my knowledge, my dad has never been to a Quaker meeting. I dropped it into coversation a while ago that I'd just got back from the Quaker meeting - so I have hinted. But I've yet to say, 'Hey dad, I've joined the Quakers.'

I think he knows I'm more liberal than I used to be. Just over a year ago we were driving together and there was a program on the radio about gay bishops and I asked my dad what he thought and he sort of shrugged and said, 'Well, live and let live I guess'. I replied, 'Oh I'm an avid supporter - gay bishops, gay marriages, the lot. Its about time, the church is so backward!' But my dad and I don't tend to discuss religion.

This shall be fun. I wonder if he'll want to come with me - I won't push it if he doesn't, but I'll be curious to see if he's interested enough to come and what he makes of it if he does.

Quaker History Lessons

2005-03-11T20:29:00.000Z

I've just been over on Rob's blog betraying my ignorance of Quaker history. Perhaps some of the more knowledgeable (I wonder if Lor, Rich or Larry are reading) amongst us can go and answer his question (why are Quakers called Quakers)?

Anyway - as well has having been a Pentecostal/charismatic, I was also brought up Baptist. To explain - although they were originally Pentecostals, my parents started going to a Baptist church when I was about 9 and there we stayed until I was about 14, when I decided to go to a more lively charismatic church because they had drums and guitars and cool stuff like that. (Ah the fickleness of youth!)

Rob is a Baptist so we have been sharing a little banter. Did you know that Catholics only wash their hair, Baptists wash all over and Quakers dry-clean only!

Aren't I just hilarious! Anyway - Rob suggested that this joke could be adapted to express our diverging theologies about meeting God - baptists:jesus, catholics:the church, quakers:in all.

One of the things Rob said that made me think was that while he could agree that there is a little bit of God in each of us, he felt that this should lead us to a full discovery of him in his 'exact representation' in Jesus.

Perhaps it is the Christ within us that draws some of us to the life and teachings of Jesus as recorded in the Bible. However, growing up Baptist/Pentecostal/Charismatic (did I mention I also went to the presbyterian youth group for a while...) meant that I was introduced to the person of Jesus from a very young age. It was in his life and teachings that I first encountered this presence some call God. However, more recently I have began to experience an awareness of the presence in all things.

Perhaps a poem from the Jesuit poet, Gerard Hopkins might help...

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies dráw fláme;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves—goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,
Crying Whát I do is me: for that I came.

Í say móre: the just man justices;
Kéeps gráce: thát keeps all his goings graces;
Acts in God’s eye what in God’s eye he is—
Chríst—for Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men’s faces.

Gerard Manley Hopkins

101 Reasons why I like Quakerism

2005-03-08T22:13:00.000Z

#84: They don't sing 'Oh Happy Day'

Ok, I'm not really compiling a list of reasons I like Quakerism :) I'm not that obsessive, and I don't even mind singing 'Oh Happy Day' on occasion.

Rob recently wrote about how churches manage depression. It got me thinking about how, when we gather together to worship as part of some kind of church/religious meeting, do we include whole manner of people in whole manner of states of mind. Is Sunday morning a pick-me-up to set me going for the week? Is it an opportunity to grieve with those who grieve? When some people come joyfully and others come with saddness - how can both give a meaningful expression to those emotions?

In my former religious incarnation we used to sing a lot of songs. We'd sing happy songs - like the one that says 'And in your presence our problems disappear!' I always thought that was a stupid line - afterall, our problems invariably didn't disappear and how can you sing that you're all happy happy joy joy when you're really depressed or grieving? Don't get be wrong, we had songs that expressed sorrow and loss too, like this one by Kevin Prosch. However, as I said on Rob's blog, I once arrived to church being my usual cheerful self to hear a worship leader chroning Prosch's song. I didn't really feel honest singing about being crushed like a rose by God's hand!!!

It is a real challenge to give space to one another in a community where some may be grieving and others may be celebrating. I like the piece of Biblical advice that says 'Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn'. But can we reflect that as part of a religious meeting?

I realised that there is another aspect of Quaker silence that I appreciate: The ability to be exactly as I am and to feel exactly as I feel whilst also allowing others the same privilege.

I have come to Quaker meetings feeling terribly low. Indeed, in my first few weeks in NY I lived for that hour of silence. I was living in a dire situation, feeling desperately homesick (like I have never experienced despite leaving home and country at the niave age of 18) and wondering if it wouldn't be better if I just got back on a plane and went back to England, Cadbury's chocolate, Heinz baked beans and my friends! Sitting with others in the stillness was a wonderful place for me to truly be myself - not to pretend, not to sing along for the sake of it, but simply to be. Although I didn't spill my emotional guts for all to see (I'm British don't you know), in the silence I felt welcome as I am and able to be myself.

At other times I have come to Quaker meetings feeling happy. Last week Ken, my best friend and partner visited me in NY and we attended together. We'd had a lovely weekend and I was feeling very grateful and happy for his presence. Sitting beside him, gently holding hands we spent a grateful meeting with others, welcomed as a couple. (I've also noticed that Ken and I are not the only Quaker couples who share a quick gentle kiss on the cheek at the end of meeting!) We share our happiness with one another.

When people speak in a Quaker meeting, it often comes from the depths. I have heard people voice deep thankfulness and joy, I've also heard people express their sense of mourning and loss, I've heard people talk about how they have lost faith and others talk about how they have found it (in the same meeting!)Maybe it all sounds very individualistic - but I don't think it is. We can each feel and own our own state of mind at the time, but we can do so together as a community. To be with others in the low times and in the good times is a wonderful experience. Stillness and quietness can be a gift that we offer one another - allowing each other to simply be and enjoy the warm acceptance of a silent community travelling together through both the hard times and the good.

Yo make some noise!

2005-03-03T21:02:00.000Z

It appears my recent posts and discussions about silence have triggered some thought. Louisa brought a poetic offering and ever the contrarian, Laurence decided to make a blog post entitled Comfort in Sound.

My first ever Quaker meeting came after a long and exciting day touring the buildings of various religions in Southampton where I currently live in the UK. We started off in the Vedic temple where we had a talk (and some excellent food - yummy yummy). We visited the mosque where we had a talk and listened to a man sing from the Quran - that was beautiful. We visited the Sikhs, where we had a talk and another song, we visited the church where we had a talk, we visited the synagogue where we had a talk and finally we arrived at the Quakers where we sat in silence. Those were precious moments for me as someone taking the first steps into a more universalistic approach to religion and coming to learn from all faiths. There we were, silently contemplating, facing the centre, together, united in some commonality - love? friendship? I'm not sure - I didn't know most of the people there, but certainly the experience was one of deep togetherness.

The experience stayed with me and some months later I finally managed to get up on a Sunday morning and join a meeting - something I have done almost every Sunday morning since. Silent meetings are something new to me. Having spent years singing words, listening to the words of preachers and ministers and pastors - well everything was really very wordy!

But I've been thinking about another aspect of silence. Sometimes when people talk about silence they use words like

-centering down
-getting away from the stress of daily living
-forgetting everything else and focussing on God
-finding God in the silence

I don't like notions like retreating away from the world - Heaven forbid that I ever commence some kind of retreat to have some kind of imaginary experience with some imaginary God. (Does anyone spot a skeptic ;)?) I come back to some more traditional Christian roots here - most notably that which I've learned mostly from the Anglo-Catholics. The notion of incarnation - Christ is God in the flesh, God in the world. Incarnation puts to death the old notion of platonic dualism - that idea that spirit and matter are separate and reveals to us the unity of all things. God is wed to this world - without physical existence I do not believe there would be God, and it is in the embracing the whole that I find God - not in silent retreat.

I sense no more of the divine in the Quaker meeting house than I do at my computer, with my friends, sharing food, socialising down the pub, and engaging with voluntary work. If I'm honest - the times I most feel the presence of the divine is when I give something of myself to someone less fortunate than I am. When I offer my ear to someone who might otherwise be overlooked, when I cook a meal for someone who might not otherwise eat that evening. Don't get me wrong - I'm no Mother Teresa or Dorothy Day - but in those small steps I make towards living compassionately, I find something so precious that I'm prepared to call it divine. I'm not sure why I feel driven towards spending an hour or more in silence each week. I think it simply helps me to stop and remember so as to appreciate more deeply and fully everything else and also to connect with others committed to living deeply and compassionately.

So where does that leave me. Well, I'm not against words, but I think we are often too wordy. We talk a lot about faith and about religion and about God. People might notice that when God comes up in conversation I tend to feel awkward, may go quiet or might even change the subject. Whenever I hear people talk about God I think I must be an atheist so I am trying to give up on talking about God as I no longer see the point and have nothing to say.

Whenever I stop talking about God and simply live - I find a presence that appears to be 'all in all'. It is in fully embracing the realities of life - both the harsh and the beautiful that I find this presence - call it God, call it the Light, call it the Spirit, call it whatever you like. But my experience is that this presence is to be found in the whole of life - not in retreat from it.

So why my love of silence? I find that the silence reminds me of my connection to everything and the contemplation aspect of it enables me to appreciate more fully the life that I have, consider how I want to use it, and recognise the presence in everything that I do.

In the beginning was the word...and the word became flesh.

The Interview Game

2005-03-01T18:30:00.000Z

I decided to play the interview game in response to Rob's recent post. The idea is that he asks me 5 questions, I reply and then if you want to be interviewed, you tell me and I'll ask you 5 questions and you reply and on and on we go. It can be interesting to hear what people think in response to someone else's questions. And, its always interesting to hear what people ask and thus find out what they are interested in!

Ok - here's my answers...

What are you up to in New York and what is it like?

Officially, I'm studying here on a 3 month placement doing some PhD research looking at how parents and kids with ADHD in America think about medication for ADHD. I'll then compare these to kids in the UK. Apparently I am having an intellectually enriching experience at a centre of clinical and research excellence that will provide a firm basis for my future career as a clinical psychologist committed to advancing the field by developing and applying innovative and practical interventions grounded in solid psychological theory and research. (Oh the bla we write to get grants, eh?!)

Unofficially, I'm making friends with people from work, exploring a new city, experiencing a different culture, rediscovering 'The Golden Girls',exploring Quakerism in Manhattan and seeing an entirely different side to the city volunteering in a queer youth shelter. In addition I am craving beans on toast, longing for dairy milk chocolate and missing my best friend & partner more than I imagined possible *sniff sniff*. He came to visit me this weekend tho and left me with 8 bars of dairy milk which I haven't touched yet *smug*.

New York is quite an amazing city - I love the ethnic diversity and the friendliness of the people. Work is an experience - Americans have different working habits but fit in a little social life around their work. I think Northern Irish people fit a little work in around their social life ;) Also, I'm attached to a private clinic and having to bite my tongue and control my facial expressions in case meetings when I hear words like, 'They can't afford this treatment so there's not much we can do.' Long live the NHS! Although it has its faults, disorganisation and bad management - the general ethos is one I subscribe to.

Do you ever plan to return to Northern Ireland? Please explain why/why-not.

Yes, I'm going back to NI in April to visit my family ;)

However, I can't imagine living and working in NI. There are more opportunities in England career-wise and I've built a life for myself in England and have a some very close friends here that I don't have at home. Also, I like the cultural diversity that exists in England - I've learned a lot from it and find myself thriving in it. I can't imagine going back.

Having said that, I'm not against the idea and if I felt my skills would be better used back home and circumstances were such that I could move back, I'd consider it. But my life, ties and friends are all in England so I don't think it is likely.

Your book list includes His Dark Materials by Philip Pullmann - what do you think of his stance regarding Chrstianity and the church?

I'm probably controversial on this one. I liked His Dark Materials and its reflection on the nature of religious authority was one that I could really relate to. I think the thing to bear in mind is that the Authority in the book is God in people's eyes, yet he is not the creator and so perhaps he isn't actually God! Religious power and religious authority has been employed in some truly tyrannical ways, and I think humanity has constructed gods of its own making and then employed those gods to justify torture, violence and bloodshed. On a less extreme level, God is employed to justify prejudice, lovelessness, judgementalism and intolerance. Its there, to hide from it does no-one any good.

I think the thing to remember is that Jesus was largely anti-power. And I think His Dark Materials can serve as a reminder of the dangers of religious power and the reality of religious tyranny and oppression.

I was also moved by his description of the Ancient of Days. He is as thin and fragile as tissue paper, terrified and demented with age, imprisoned in a glass display case. As the glass is broken and the Ancient of Days dissipates his last expression is one of profound relief. Perhaps God is relieved at the death of God? I liked this - it is a reminder that that which we think is God is usually not God, and that God may be a symbolic reality, damaged and imprisoned by our mistaken notions about who and what God is. My own perspective is that there are times when we need to be liberated from our notions of God in order to connect with the reality of the divine presence in the universe.

You are another food fan - your favourite recipie please!

Oh thank God - an easy question!! I cook creatively, seldom follow recipes and if I do, I'll usually play around a bit. So, please excuse the lack of measurements, quantities and oven settings!

Lets go for my favourite dinner recipe:

Fajita bake: I made this thing up based on a friends vegetarian creation and then remade it so many times adding different bits and pieces so feel free to add your own...

You'll need:

An Onion
A few cloves of garlic (I use about 6 but I usually make this for a certain garlic lover and we tend to go overboard)
Meat of some decription (minced beef works well, but I think chicken breasts cubed into tiny pieces is best)
Some vegetables (carrots, peppers, mushrooms)
Tin of chopped tomatoes or abut 6 freshly chopped ones (or try grating them - it really works!)
Kidney beans work in this if you fancy them, as does sweetcorn and that sort of thing
About half a bottle or so of Nando's cooking sauce (entirely optional, but add the extra hot one if you dare)
If you're using beef or just fancy it you can add chilli pepper or any other random herbs and spices that feel good at the time. Chilli goes well with beef)
About 3-4 fajitas
A generous lump of good strong cheddar cheese (grated)

Basically, you chop some onion and garlic (the basis of all good meals imo) and saute them in a little oil. Add some meat (I usually use chicken chopped into tiny bits) and stir fry, then add the vegetables - obviously bearing in mind how long different vegetables take to cook before adding them. Then add in the kidney beans if you're using them (they go better with beef I think). Finally in go the tomatoes and if you're adding Nando's sauce for extra kick, now is the time to add it.

Let that simmer until it looks kind of ready.

Lightly oil a large wide dish of some kind (I use a ceramic flan case) and add one fajita. Then plop some of the mix on top of the fajita, then add another fajita, and so on - finish with a fajita and just a little bit of the mix on top. Then take the cheese and add that on top.

Whack it in a hot oven for about 15 minutes til the cheese starts simmering and melts down the sides of the dish and yum yum yum yum yum. I usually make some side salad to go with it.

What do Quakers believe - in 100 words?!

LOL! Quakers are non-credal so we don't have a set of clearly defined beliefs. They say if you ask 2 Quakers you will get 3 answers. I like the idea that we are united in love, not doctrine. However, most Quakers believe that there is that of God (or the Spirit, or the divine) in everyone. Therefore all can experience this presence for themselves and we should seek to recognise it in others. This usually inspires Quakers to seek to live compassionately in our day-to-day lives and to oppose that which threatens or harms others, hence the early Quaker opposition to slavery. Quakers are often active in the in the fields of peace, justice, world development, education, homelessness, prison reform and working to challenge prejudice in whatever form it occurs. These practical concerns were the main aspects that drew me into Quakerism.

(PS. If you are interested in Quakerism, then the UK Quakers will send you a free book - just click here. Don't worry you're not signing up and they won't come knocking on your door or contact you again!

PPS. For Americans reading my blog - if you're interested in Quakers then this link might help you to locate some near you. If you're from elsewhere in the world, try this site.

PPPS. I really hope this doesn't sound like I'm trying to make converts :S. Just goes to show, you can take the girl out of evangelicalism, but can you take evangelicalism out of the girl? :S)

So anyone else for the interview game - let me know and I'll make up some questions for you!

A step in the right direction

2005-03-01T16:46:00.000Z

The US Supreme Court has banned juvenille executions.

Now we need to find out why young people turn to crime, what leads them to murder and how we can make space for them to live fruitful lives within our society. Easier said than done, but I am grateful to this, and grateful to all those working for justice reform throughout the world.

This is a step in the right direction for justice. Now we need to take the next step in compassion and find ways to bring forgiveness and life to those who have committed even the most terrible and violent of crimes.

If Choy Lee Mu were a Christian

2005-02-24T02:54:00.000Z

Choy Lee Mu was a notorious poster on 24-7talkback, a place I now consider to be my online home and for quite some time, it was the only place I felt able to be honest about my growing issues with the Christian religion. If anyone is curious, a quick flick through the the old talkback forum is sure to bring up some Choy at his acerbic best.

I started reading talkback when I was volunteering at my university's telephone helpline service. Most of the time I wouldn't post, but lurked around reading Choy's posts. At one point, one of the other volunteers who had an interest in Christianity and I would sign up to do shifts together and read Choy's posts aloud, roaring with laughter in between phone calls!

Choy had a way of livening up the debate. He was (and is) an incredibly witty, dry and sometimes vitriolic atheist. Ultimately, I think I owe a lot to Choy. Choy asked the questions that quietly mumbled around in my head, his astute observations cut through the crap, pushed me to reconsider my faith and take seriously the implications of some of my beliefs.

The end result was a lot of confusion, occasional bursts of anger and a whole new way of responding to church! Every time some poor preacher decided to preach on the cross I would end up muttering Choy's most infamous line...'So, God sacrificed himself, to himself, to allow himself to break the rules that he himself had made.' Alas, Easter sermons would never be the same again! At one point, those delicious words rolled delightfully off my tongue in a conversation with an evangelist who cornered me during an evangelistic mission to my university campus :)

But, in the questionning I learned to be honest, honest to myself, honest to God (who in all honesty may not actually exist, but I might as well be honest about it) and honest to others. And indeed, if the 'truth' hadn't set me free, honesty did the job very nicely. I was free from the restrictions my childhood religion placed on me, free to explore, to learn from others, free to explore other religions, free to pursue peaceful dialogue, free from the fear that most of my friends were going to hell, free to follow my heart and use my common sense.

Later we learned that Choy Lee Mu was not Chinese, but an American dude from Arizona called Brent Rasmussen, whose current online home is devoted to Unscrewing the Inscrutable.

So why this post all about an old internet pal who highly entertained me several years ago? Well today I decided to click on Brent's website whereupon I found a very challenging and inspiring post entitled, 'If I were a Christian',. So followers of the way of Christ, of whatever theological disposition, take heed, the gauntlet is laid down before us. If I were of a more spiritual bent, I might even suggest a prophet is in our midst.

Adventures in Silence

2005-02-20T22:09:00.000Z

Peterson recently commented about his experience of Quaker worship.

For those unfamiliar with Quaker practice, we gather in silence and there is no minister/priest/pastor to lead. We wait in the silence until someone feels they have something to say. Sometimes many people speak, sometimes no-one speaks. In the meetings I am familiar with about 4-5 speakers is about the norm - although I have been to one or two very lively meetings with many speakers and quite a few meetings that have been entirely silent.

What I appreciate about Quaker meetings is the space to be still and wait for a while, to stop, reflect, remember who I am and remember those around me and simply be. In the stillness I gain perspective and re-orientate myself towards the things I believe truly count.

Its also important for me to do this with others, to remind myself that I am not alone, and to be part of a community seeking to live well and live up to certain things we value highly - love, compassion, justice, peace, truth, integrity, amongst others.

However, I'm becoming increasingly curious about what other peoples' experiences of silent meetings are, and what other people actually do. I know some meditate, or try to centre down. In the meeting I attend in the UK, it is not unusual for people to be reading during the meeting (copies of the Bible and Quaker Faith and Practice are liberally scattered throughout the room so there's always something in easy reach, and I know some people bring their own reading material). So what are people's experiences of silence, what do you do in the silence and what do you find in it?

(PS. Don't feel you have to be a Quaker to comment, it would be interesting to hear from other people who make use of silence in their religious meetings).

Who'd want to play golf with Jesus?

2005-02-17T19:44:00.000Z

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

Sometimes we think we want miracles, and super spiritual experiences. We want God to be big, shiny, glittery and awesome. But deep down I think what we really need is to recognise a little bit of Jesus in our every day lives - no gloss, no glittler, no sparkle, no magic - just plain old boring incarnation. Emmanuel. God with us.

For Narcissist bloggers

2005-02-16T15:07:00.000Z

Ever wonder if random bloggers in the recesses of cyberspace are linking to your blog?? Now you can find out!

Who Links Here

Go on, stroke your ego, you know you want to!

This is madness - Quaker perspectives on mental health?

2005-02-14T16:00:00.000Z

I'd really appreciate if some of my Quaker blog readers would comment on this one - just give a perspective even if you're not an expert :)

I've just been reading Rob's recent post about the use of restraint in mental health settings. Seeing that I ultimately want to work in mental health, this is something that I'm very interested in.

Sometimes people who work in mental health are put in a position where they have to decide to physically restrain a person for their own safety and/or the safety of those around them. I've only ever had to restrain very small children (under 5) - which is not something I like doing, but on occasion I've had to. However, I think this is much easier to do than restraining adults. Firstly, as a woman I can restrain a very small child single handedly and I can do so very gently without the need for actual restraints and I never raise my voice when I'm doing it - I talk in nice motherly soothing tones and usually the kid will calm down, cry, say sorry and its all forgotten about, aside from the bruises I suffer as a result! :( Hmmmm - maybe I'm getting the raw deal here.

Restraining adults seems a different kettle of fish to me. Firstly, it may take more than one person, there may be strapping big men using their physical strength to intimidate a patient, it may involve the use of physical restraints and sadly, I've had to listen to people who work in the field recount their experiences in such ways that are dehumanising to the patient. I'm uncomfortable with the use of restraint, but reluctantly I have to admit that I can see situations in which it may be necessary in order to protect the safety of a person and those around them.

I wondered what Quakers thought about this - given our commitment to non-violence. I had a look in Faith and Practice but found absolutely nothing about mental health treatment. (Friends - maybe we should write more!)

I know from the early days Friends have been concerned about the treatment of the mentally ill. George Fox (our founder) wrote, "frends doe seeke some place convenient…wherein they may put any person that may be distracted or troubled in minde." .

Friends hospital in Philadelphia have an interesting account of their early days where they seemed to have cottoned on to some wonderful principles that are only now being recognised in mainstream mental health practice. (As ever, the Quakers were well beyond their time - I feel really quite proud!)

Believing that all people have that of God within them, Friends working in mental health have put an emphasis on the humanity and worth of patients, no matter how erratic and unreasonable their behaviour may be. Friends asylum staff were encouraged to, "cherish every ray of returning reason" and above all to treat patients as "brethren and men". It seems they did use restraint as necessary, but with compassion and aiming to respect the dignity of the individual rather than to over power and subdue them.

"We placed the hand straps on her just on going to bed, and removed them this morning, but finding the buckles had marked the skin, we proposed substituting the sleeves and have chosen the softest pair for the purpose." (Bonsall)

"The clanking of chains, and the noise of the whip are no longer heard in their cells. They now taste of the blessings of air, and light, and motion in pleasant and shaded walks in summer, and in spacious entrees warmed by stoves in winter… protected from the eye of visitors. In consequence of these advantages, they have recovered the human figure, and with it their long forgotten relationship to their friends and the public." - (Benjamin Rush)

The old mental health institutions were cruel places - where the mentally ill were written off and often treated as prisoners. Thank God, times have moved on - but mental health staff have a tough job to do, and the temptation to dehumanise is always there. In our frustrations and stress, we must always remember the humanity of those we treat and offer love, kindness and compassion to them - aiming to respect their privacy, their humanity and their freedom.

Where we use restraint, I think we need to find ways of doing so calmly, without intimidation and with compassion and even gentleness.

Any more perspectives - Quakerly or otherwise?

Happy Valentines Day!

2005-02-14T03:06:00.000Z

Ah, its the first Valentines day in 5 years that I have had a partner to celebrate with. But where is he - England. And where am I - America. No candlelit dinner for two for me then :'(

However, rather than succomb to a blubbering display of longing, melancholy and loneliness in this little recess of cyberspace, I thought I would take this opportunity to reflect on the intimate kind of adult love we celebrate on Valentine's day.

There are many legends about St. Valentine - but most of them focus on a priest who lived in Rome and married couples under the persecution of Claudius II, when it was forbidden to marry lovers. Today there are also those amongst us, who are forbidden to marry, whose love and relationships are sometimes considered sinful or dirty and who society refuses to recognise and value for what they are. I am sometimes asked why I, as a woman who is consistently attracted to men and who might be considered altogether conventional in her sexual expression, would be so concerned about gay rights. I've even noticed a few of my gay friends raise their eyebrows. (Others quietly take me to one side and offer me a confidential and understanding ear should I wish to come out of the closet - and I'm sorry to disappoint them!)

But why do I care so much? Is it just that I needed a soap box from which to shout accusations of injustice towards the church that I once belonged to? Is it just that I'm a young, leftie student in need of a cause? Is it just that I like to ride the hobby horses?

I sincerely hope that the answer to these questions is no, and to those who ask why I would be so concerned about gay rights, I remind them of the words of Martin Luther King when he said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Is racial justice just a black/hispanic/asian issue? Should white people be concerned about racial inequality? Today I stumbled across this blogger commenting on another blog I read. I flicked around some if the sites she lists and found it a sad reminder of how many sectors of the church live in misinformation, prejudice and fear. I want to be angry. I want to scream and rant, and grab my placard and start an argument. However, I fear this would not be fruitful and as much as I want to be angry, deep down I am simply saddened, disappointed and drained when I read something that seems so empty and fearful. Sadly, I know many people who think this way.

I know that most of the church is not as rampant with gay-hating homophobia as a few extremists in the gay rights lobby might have us believe. In most congregations, the brave soul who dares to enter and confide that they have "gay tendancies" will probably find someone who is at least a little sympathetic - but there are few bold enough to stick their heads above the parapet and actually give public and vocal support to our gay friends in their relationships.

I see many reasonable Christians (and others) sitting on the fence, avoiding offending people and trying to maintain unity with those who wish to maintain so called "Biblical family values." Quietly saying its no biggie and we should all just have our opinions and live together. Usually when people say this to me, I assume it means - calm down woman, you don't need to be so vocal with your opinions!

However, this is not enough for me. I used to be like this - but when my friends start breaking down on me, asking me if God hates them, why they have been cursed with homosexuality as though it was some kind of disease and when I realise that the incidence of depression, anxiety and suicide is higher amongst the gay population - I start to think, if this is not an issue compassion obliges me to be concerned about - is this not something Christ, ever attacted to the vulnerable and marginalised wouldn't have gravitated towards.

It bothers me greatly when it seems as though some parts of the church and some parts of our society cannot see beyond a set of so-called "biblical values" to see the value of love, generosity and faithfulness in adult sexual relationships. I see this as a threat to family values - not an asset. I wonder if our so called "biblical family values" might not be a threat to the value of love, commitment, faithfulness, healthy sexual relationships and family values everywhere? Is a society who believes family values are about what gender of people you love, not a society missing out on family values of love, community, faithfulness, generosity, integrity, courage, friendship, union and kindness in adult relationships?

I believe liberation for gay people is liberation for all of us in our relationships and marriages. Its liberation for all of us to ensure our relationships are built on love, faithfulness, mutual commitment, generosity and kindness rather than on an inhibiting rule book made up by a religious or politial institution that fails to recognise the breadth of human sexuality. It is liberation for all of us to accept ourselves, love ourselves, accept one another, love one another and seek to live out our sexualities in loving, affirming and tender ways.

I look forward to the day, when I can celebrate the marriages of same sex couples, and stand together, gay, straight, transgendered, black, white, Christian, non-Christian to celebrate our love, publically declare our commitments to one another as couples, and as a wider community who affirm relationships and who seek to help all people, whatever their sexuality, be free to love, give and live together in healthy and life enhancing ways. Then maybe I'll break with Quaker tradition, and in the words of King, open my mouth and bellow out with all the enthusiasm of a Pentecostal on speed - "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last."

You may wish to sit down before reading this post...

2005-02-13T20:27:00.000Z

I am going to quote from the Bible.

The Way of Love

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

(I Cor 13, NEB)

I hope I can follow this way in seeking to continue those friendships that I'm currently finding somewhat awkward. My thanks to Laurence, Digger, Rich & Larry for your comments to my previous post. They were very helpful and much appreciated.

Love lifted me

2005-02-09T18:59:00.000Z

Had you said those three words to me a week ago they would have conjured up a slightly endearing memory of growing up in a Pentecostal church. The church I grew up in as a child loved this particular song and often sang it at the end of a gospel service as they invited people to come to Christ. Even now, if I close my eyes and hum the tune in an uptempo manner, I see the grey haired man on his accordion with his face screwed up in concentration as he taps his feet to the rhythmn, I can see the old ladies in their 1940s style hats with their hands raised in the air swaying happily, I hear the pastor in a suit with a dodgy handkerchief sticking out of his jacket pocket, his arms opened inviting people to 'Come to Jesus, come to the Lord.' I can even feel myself squirming around in the itchy scratchy woollen tights and stupid dress which my parents insisted I wear as my usual tomboyish jeans and t-shirts were not considered suitable attire for the house of the Lord! (Rather odd for parents who avoided anything pink and for my first Christmas presented me with a toy plastic car rather than a doll, in the hope that I wouldn't be too gurlie)!

Such memories hold very mixed feelings for me. On the one hand, I am certainly uncomfortable with the notion of "salvation" they represent, and there's nothing quite like a gospel service to make me want to run away, run away very very fast. However, I still genuinely like and have a lot of warmth towards many of the people I knew back then. Occasionally I might meet one or two of those ladies in those same 1940s style hats, invariably they remember my name (although I usually have no idea who they are) and like to gush about how big I've got, look stunned and say, "You're never nearly 25 are you, dear oh dear, I remember when you were only so high and used to come and ask if I had any sweeties." They are endearing and kindhearted people, although I'm sure if most of them stumbled across my blog they'd probably have a major cardiac! Thankfully, elderly Pentecostal ladies don't tend to be all that computer literate so I think they're safe.

Sorry - I'm digressing and reminiscing about old times...but ah, the memories :)

However, that song came back to me altogether unexpectedly this week when I went to MCC to see about volunteering in their youth shelter. I was a little early and so decided to slip in and catch some of the service. A wonderful man was singing this very song in a slightly slowed down, black spiritual style. It was beautiful and I'm almost embarrassed to say it - but I was actually moved by a Christian song. *shudder*

As I sat there, I realised that I indeed have had the experience of love lifting me. Being in an MCC church, I could hardly help but remember that it was love for my friends that lifted me out of the very conservative theology that I had been taught concerning sexuality, and enabled me to see that love (not rules) was important.

Love is a stange thing - I'm not sure I know how to define it, but I know its the basis of all I do and all that is important to me. I know that when I fall from love, when I lack in love, things tend to go wrong, I get frustrated, depressed and life can suddenly seem quite meaningless. But when motivated by love, life seems worth living, full of joy and hope, worth putting the effort in and going the extra mile to achieve our goals.

It was love that enabled me to move on and find freedom from misgivings and prejudice that I developed in a very conservative church. It was love that enabled me to become comfortable with who my friends are and who I am. It was the experience of being united in a sense of love that led me into Quakerism and the Quaker commitment to pursuing peace, equality, compassion and justice seems to stem out of that love. Love fuels my desire to get involved in positive social and political activism. It is love that fuels my career - love for humanity if that is not too idealistic and slightly corny a thing to say, keeps me going in my research (but obviously I don't love that much or I'd spend more time working and less time blogging...*cough*) It is love that fuels my friendships and keeps my family close. It is ultimately love that gives life meaning - if I didn't love, I wouldn't care.

I am in two minds about actually saying this, but I wonder if love might also lift me from another situation I find myself in. Having spent some time with Peterson and talking a little about our experiences as former evangelicals, and now succombing to nostalgia about Pentecostal hymns and Pentecostal ladies whose handbags seemed to be bottomless pits of boiled sweets and mint imperials...I am reminded of a darker side to the liberalising process of moving on from evangelicalism. Those friends of mine who were very close. The ones with whom I prayed, shared, prophesied, spoke in tongues** and oohed over Bible passages with. The ones with whom I shared very deeply, laughed with and cried with. Those friends who now know very little about where my faith journey has gone because I am too afraid to tell them, and perhaps they are a little too afraid to listen. Those friends who like to call me and say they've been praying for me, and tell me that they're sure Jesus won't give up on me and one day I'll come back.

While I love them, it is difficult to have a friendship when your friend is convinced you're straying away from the righteous path and fervently praying for your return whilst giving you the latest update on what the Lord has been telling them. Sometimes I feel like an awkward stranger when I am with them - no longer able to share myself and no longer able to understand so much of what they say and do. I have experienced such transformation over the last few years, that they no longer seem to know who I am. Or maybe its just that all the doubts, questions and secrets I kept buried for so long are now springing forth and its hard for them to understand. I wonder, can love overcome this? Can love re-unite us as friends and restore the intimacy and connection there once was?

**Yes, it really is normal in Pentecostal and charismatic churches. Yes, I really did it. Yes, I can still do it (every so often I try out of curiosity) - but gobblety gook really isn't that hard to do! To curious friends, it'll take about 3 glasses of good red wine before I'll be tipsy and inhibited enough to give a demonstration. To Quaker friends, lets just hope the spirit doesn't prompt me in that direction during meeting shall we :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well I couldn't get away with not posting the words of that song now could I? Although I think reading them, they just sound terribly Christianly cheesesome. Trust me, they sound different when they're sung by a cool black dude!

I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more,
But the Master of the sea, heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I.

Love lifted me! Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me!

All my heart to Him I give, ever to Him I’ll cling
In His blessèd presence live, ever His praises sing,
Love so mighty and so true, merits my soul’s best songs,
Faithful, loving service too, to Him belongs.

Random Friends in the Blogosphere

2005-02-08T20:05:00.000Z

Last night I had just finished eating dinner and was sitting in my room feeling thorougly bored so I decided to go check my email, whereupon I luckily found an email from Peterson of a_musing.blogspot asking if I'd like to meet for coffee.

Having nothing to do other than spend another boring evening watching the TV in my room and wondering why my dorm-mates do not seem to eat, wash or use the bathroom (I live with 20 people and I hardly ever see any of them) - I decided that coffee in Union Square with the homonomo guy was the way to go.

Its wierd, in a very good way, to meet someone from the net - especially someone whose work you have admired. On another suitably wonderful note - Peterson managed to get directions to Drew University in Madison where he is performing tonight - so it looks like I almost have a social life again. Woo Hoo!

To my UK friends - keep an eye out for Peterson, he's planning on doing some performances in the UK and he was filmed for a documentary about the ex-gay movement by BBC2. (I will of course be watching and saying, "I know that guy, he bought me a tea in starbucks in Union Square!") Not that I would name drop or anything - who me? No no no - just remember the guys name is Peterson, Peterson Toscano :)

Its neuroanatomy Jim, but not as we know it

2005-02-01T21:19:00.000Z

I hear a lot of talk these days about spirituality. Friends of mine have commented that spirituality is about being creative, using the intuitive right side of the brain to engage with God and experience his presence. Its about turning off logic, switching on our intuition and somehow drifting off into a wonderful mystical experience of connectedness to God and oneness with the universe.

NEWSFLASH people - we all know that spiritual experiences are usually associated with activity in the left temporal lobe & not usually the right hemisphere (exhibit 1.1).

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Exhibit 1.1. Left Temporal Lobe: Is that you God?

And, btw the brain hemispheres are connected by the corpus callosum (exhibit 1.2) and generally work together, so switching one side off is nigh on impossible, and unless one wants to have some serious cognitive deficits, not recommended.

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Exhibit 1.2. The Corpus Callosum, connector of the left and right hemispheres.

Typical, unspiritual earthen-clod of a scientist (figure 1) that I am, I simply cannot resist the urge to analyse, logicise and deconstuctivise the mystery. Sorry, I can't help it, tis all in my brain!

And I realise that I may be painting a somewhat crude caricature of how some people think about spirituality and spiritual experiences. But when I hear my friends say that they want to switch off their logical mind in order to enter worship, when I hear people say that artists are spiritual people and in tune with the divine (with the resounding implication that scientists are probably not), when I hear the virtures of oms & gongs extolled and feel artistic eyes looking at me with pity - alas, poor scientist, she has not experienced the mystical light amongst us...excuse me if I raise my eyebrows, furrow my brow, slip my glasses down my nose and commence flicking through my neuropsych text book in earnest before dropping a quick email to my neuropsychology professor to ask if he has observed any of these strange phenomena in his epileptic patients recently.

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Figure 1. Hmmmm, interesting, very interesting. Could this be an act of worship? Surely not...

I have been observing a rather curious thing of late. Those friends of mine who are considered "spiritual" or those seeking to be "postmodern" in the way they practice their faith, often prefer the arts to the sciences, prefer intuition to logical thought. They're happy to sit on a cushion and meditate the day away.

Now me, on the other hand - I am an avowed scientist. I find meditation unbearably dull (meh, can you believe I actually said that?!) In Quaker meetings I'm usually mulling over some new hypothesis about my PhD research, or thinking through some issue that I'm currently pondering rather than awaiting some burst of cosmic energy from the spirit within. And I'd rather go to the gym and break some sweat than meditate! Sadly, I'm also unrepentant about it. There's just no hope!!!

I have had "mystical experiences" - at least I've experienced 'something', although I am not quite sure what it is. I have felt 'at one', experienced 'the divine presence', and it has been a very pleasant and even uplifting experience. But, beyond concluding that my left temporal lobe seems to be quite active every so often, I am not sure that I have benefitted from the experience, or that I am particularly interested in experiencing it again.

Yes, I'm a scientist. I prefer studying neuroanatomy to visiting the modern art museum (the brain is beautiful), I find science fascinating. I love to analyse, tease apart and to me numbers, logic and neuroanatomy are beautiful and even mysterious. Maybe, good lord, I get the same kick out of a good data analysis session as my arty friends get out of creating a great work of art. Don't get me wrong, I like many of the arts, particularly reading, poetry - but its the words that get me. (Curiously, language is also typically located in the left hemisphere, so yet again, it appears that logic, order and rationality have won through!) And my dearest friend, Laurence, you may well enjoy meditating on the subversive urinal, or childish doodles on 1960's bedsheet, but forgive me for just not getting it! ;D

I'm not saying that science is better than the arts. I don't even think that the two are really so divergent as I might have made out here. But what I do fear, is that we "spiritual types" might be throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.

Can science be a spiritual pursuit? I say it can. In fact, I say it is!!! I'd even like to herald Richard Dawkins as a contemporary spiritual leader! And why? Because there are few men who have instilled in us a sense of awe and wonderment at what it means to exist and be alive! Scientists at their best are everything those of us seeking 'God' should aspire to be. They are thorough, committed, rigorous and desperately honest. Good science is not too attached to an idea or theory and does not shut its ears or eyes to fresh evidence, but rather adapts to it, seeking to explore new frontiers and pioneer new techniques that might improve our lives or make our world a better place to live. Good science is a collaborative effort, a communal activity. We learn from our peers, we learn from those who have more experience and we provide support for the up and comings. Good science teaches us not to fear the new idea or the enlivened debate but rather to embrace it and allow seemingly contradictory findings to spark new ideas and new knowledge. Good science teaches us that difference is to be valued.

Good science gives us insight into the world, enhances our understanding and holds the potential to benefit our world and humanity. Good science reminds us of how little we know and teaches us humility and a sense of awe and appreciation of our existence. Science teaches us that 'To live at all is miracle enough' (As Dawkins entitled a chapter in 'Unweaving the Rainbow). Good science saves human lives and restores the planet. (Admittedly, scientific endeavours at their worst have done the exact opposite - but nonethelss, science can be a wonderfully stimulating and exciting endeavour.)

Now, that is not to say that science and, in my case, psychology are necessarily easy things for people of faith to study. Studying psychology, threw into question experiences that I previously believed to be "God". Now I put them down to group effects, neurological quirks and other psychological phenomenon. What the church told me was "God's design", I discovered to be evolutionary common sense. However I don't think this threatened my faith at all. In fact, if anything, discovering psychological principles behind religious experience pushed me beyond platonic dualism (the uncanny, and imo unhelpful idea that spirit and matter are separate) and into an appreciation of the whole of life as an expression of God and a realisation that everything is sacred. I wonder if my atheist-scientist friends aren't the most spiritual people at all. Maybe they are so immersed in the universe, recognising their oneness with it, that they no longer have any need for a separate concept of the divine. To them, as for me, perhaps everything is sacred? My friend Simon, Christian & biochemist recently commented that he believes religion and science to be the same thing.

I see science as an exploration of God. But then I do see God as a presence within the world, and not an agent operating from the outside (dodgy pantheist!) I think the earth reflects aspects of the divine, and have never had any trouble integrating my faith and my work, rather my study brings my faith to life, enlarges it, and leads to me ask questions about how best I can reflect the spirit present in our universe in my every day life.

So what am I saying - I guess, lets not throw rationality, rigor, science and logic away, but rather seek to value them for what they are and what they can be. And lets not aim to rid ourselves of the left side of our brains, but rather lets seek to bring them into our meetings for worship, our churches, our mosques, our meditation centres and our gatherings and learn what they have to teach us.

And yeah - lets not do away with the artists either. Maybe we should all try to be a little bit like the corpus callosum and see if we can't integrate science and arts, logic and intuition, rigor and creativity. Laurence you can still bring your doodling pad ;)

Disclaimer: I am not a neuroscientist, I've merely picked up a little here and there and have grossly oversimplified everything for the sake of this post. Should any of my friends who actually are neuroscientists stumble across this little corner of cyberspace, I muchly apologise for taking a little artistic license and pretending to be knowledgeable. Feel free to correct glaring mistakes because your work is beautiful.

Links links links

2005-02-01T03:19:00.000Z

Thank you to Rich! I have now become an expert on putting links into my blog and got rather enthusiastic this evening!

I think links say a lot about a person - so I guess you can now see what sort of things my mind is pre-occupied with.

Enjoy!

Feelin' like a fresher!

2005-01-30T01:55:00.000Z

I feel like I'm a fresher again. I just moved into new accomodation in NY. I've been here by myself little under a month and already I have moved 3 times!

I'm living in university halls of residence in the main NYU hospital. I should say that for someone who has worked for the NHS for several years, I have something of a morbid aversion to hospitals! They can be such bleak, clinically boring places. When I qualify and have my own little office and work for the NHS (well, that's the plan) I will fill my office with pretty things, flowers, colourful toys (child psychologist's privelege) and find a way to make it smell of something other than disinfectant. Maybe I'll get a nice woven rug for the floor - but a fear I may start looking like some new age hippy kind of counsellor, and I can't be doing with them!

I have a room just off a long dark little corridor that is as souless as every other university halls I've ever been in - carpetless floors, communal showers and communal toilets. But finally, I have somewhere a little more permanent (does 5 weeks count as permanent?) to live, a place where I'll hopefully be able to settle for a while, make some friends, and best of all, walk 5 blocks to work! Woo Hoo.

Noisy Silence

2005-01-27T23:08:00.000Z

Rich, some of this may sound familiar to you :) You spoke in meeting a few weeks ago, interupting my flow of thought saying that in the silence you could hear the noise of guns in Iraq and genocide in Sudan. That struck such a chord with me, that I incorporated it into a little poetic offering.

Noisy Silence

Quiet,
The sound of the wind, the traffic,
The sound of breathing,
The sound of nothing.

The noise of day to day concerns
Rattle and are hushed.
Anger and resentment
Recognised, the first step to letting go.
Perspective gained,
There are more important things
Than my petty quarrels.
I will live by what matters.

In this place, the absent voice of a lover
Makes itself heard,
Although absent now, in spirit
We are more together than before
And the embrace felt more deeply.
I am grateful.

In this place of silence,
Gazing into the expanse, the world revealing itself,
The noise of guns and war and genocide,
The cries of injustice's latest victims,
Political propaganda and lies
Screeching terrors piercing the silence.

There is no peace,
We cannot remain silent.

An unconvinced Quaker

2005-01-20T15:01:00.000Z

I'm having a conversation with Amanda, who I recently met at the Quakers on her blog. Its an interesting discussion and its thrown up some interesting ideas that are worth exploring, especially in relationship to my recent explorations into Quakerism.

I wonder if Quakerism is for me, a new religion. Certainly my beliefs and approach to faith is so different now from how it was when I was going to church and being a charismatic evangelical. Although I no longer consider myself a conventional Christian and don't believe the creeds, don't feel any particular attraction towards communion/eucharist, am not convinced of Christ's resurrection (or even his divinity in the sense that Christian theology might insist). But I don't think I've replaced those beliefs with another set of beliefs.

I think I am joining Quakerism - precisely because of my unease and my doubts with religious beliefs, and even what some might term "spirituality". People who join Quakerism as adults are often called "convinced Quakers" - that is, they weren't born Quakers but became convinced at a later age. However, for me, Quakerism was, and is, about admitting that I'm completely unconvinced!!!

Because Quakerism doesn't ask me to believe anything, doesn't demand that I say a creed, sign a statement of doctrinal belief or even consider myself as belonging to a particular religion, I feel it possible to join and allow myself to be an avowed skeptic. I have been helped greatly by some of the messages given at the meeting I attend in the UK where several members have expressed their doubts and asked troubling questions to which there is no answer during the meeting for worship. Although some may find such honest admissions of unbelief and doubt disturbing, for me, the honesty was refreshing and one of the reasons I'm going to hang around the Society of Friends for some time.

For me Quakerism was the realisation that God was dead, that I no longer had religious beliefs in any conventional sense - and that was quite something for someone coming from a strong evangelical Christian background! And yet, within that terrible realisation I find great depth, meaning and hope. In my more paradoxical moments, I join with those strange Christians who responded to Neitsche's assertion that God was dead by declaring, "God is dead! Long live God!"

I think what is important to me is that Quakerism focuses on the now. In silence I can appreciate my life, reflect on who I am and where I stand in relation to the world, I can join together with others all in our own ways learning to be still and to appreciate life in all its fullness. What attracted me most to Quakerism was the social concerns, the commitment to social justice, peacemaking and compassion, and a sense of building the kingdom Christ taught about here and now.I guess what it boils down for me is similar to what it seems to boil down to for a lot of younger Quakers - being real.

Quakers have offered me such encouragement in my honest doubts, that I feel able to be real. That doesn't always happen to me in other churches. I sometimes go to an episcopal church where I know there are many people who hold (or rather don't hold) similar beliefs as I do...but in worship when I'm singing a hymn or saying the creed, I feel like a fraud because I don't actually believe it! The silence affords me total honesty. That coupled with the Quaker commitment to peace and social concerns, allowing me to examine my own lifestyle and be serious about making a difference in the world is important to be, because its pushing me to be real with myself and real towards the world around me and hopefully making a real positive difference in some small way.

Phillip Pullman's Lyra summed it all up for me in "The Amber Spyglass",

"Had she thought there was no meaning in life, no purpose, when God had gone? Yes, she had thought that. 'Well there is now,' she said aloud, and again, louder: 'There is now!" .... "We have to be all those difficult things, like cheerful and kind and curious and patient, and we've got to study and think and work hard, all of us, in all our different worlds, and then we'll build...the Republic of Heaven," said Lyra."

Then in comes Amanda with a wonderful comment on the Bhagvad Gita that I think is well worth mentioning.

Arjuna asks Krishna, "Lord! of the men who serve Thee - true in heart As God revealed; and of the men who serve, Worshipping Thee Unrevealed, Unbodied, far, Which take the better way of faith and life?"

Krishna responds in a tricksy way, first naming conventional holiness, in what appears to be descending order

1.)The mystic/saint - "Constantly true, in full devotion fixed" - those who know god and abide with him always.

2.)The saint who may not have had a mystical experience of knowing god, and yet diligently devotes their entire life to him.

3.)The pious layperson, who worships steadfastly.

4.)One who cannot raise his mind to worship steadfastly, but does many good works.

Krishna says that all of these people will achieve union with him. Then he says,

But, if in this thy faint heart fails, bring Me thy failure!
find refuge in Me!
let fruits of labour go,
Renouncing hope for Me, with lowliest heart,
So shalt thou come.

And then inverts the "worth" of all of the above, saying that to despair, to feel yourself incapable of ever knowing god, of ever having unity with him, is actually very close to enlightenment. It seems paradoxically in giving up our religious dogma, our theology and our ideas about God, we actually find God and may be closer to God in our unbelief than in our belief, because unbelief recognises the true unknowability of the divine. Anyway, I'm off to www.24-7talkback.com where my friend Jonnyguitar is just announcing that he's no longer a Christian and now an agnostic. I want to congratulate him on finding God!!!

Answer that of God in everyone...speaking truth to power...

2005-01-18T20:46:00.000Z

My thanks to Robert from 15th street Friends meeting - because I'm taking some of the ideas he brought to our meeting on Friday and mixing them up with some of my own ideas and reproducing them here, hoping that he doesn't mind.

George Fox advised early Friends to "answer that of God in everyone". Modern friends advise us to "Speak truth to power."

As someone with an interest in human rights and political justice, speaking truth to power is something I think is very important. It is our responsibility, I believe, to ask companies if the workers who made our clothes were provided with safe, comfortable working conditions and received a fair wage. It is quite right, I think, that we choose fairly traded products and tell Nestle that advocating Nestle milk formula over breastmilk to mothers in the third world is appalling behaviour and must stop! It is right that we join together publically to show our opposition to wars we believe to be unjust and to campaign for an overhaul of our foreign policies. All this is good and necessary.

But I wonder if we have become so blinded by the bright light of our truth that we no longer see that of God in those to whom we direct our protests. It is as easy for those of us on the political left to get caught up in anti-Bush rhetoric, as it is for the neo-cons to get caught up in the politics of fear and the spin about some growing enemy out to destroy the whole of western civilisation!

Answering that of God may be quite different from speaking truth to power. Speaking truth implies we have it and its up to power to listen. It runs the risk of ignoring the need for listening, and not listening for the purposes of throwing the arguments back in someone's face in the name of our truth, but listening so as to gain understanding. Answering that of God, requires that we see the worth and value of that person and enter engaged and civilised dialogue.

I wonder - are we able to see and speak with that of God in George W? Are we able to see and answer that of God in Bin Laden. During WWII, Friends tried to engage with the Nazi's, believing them not to be beyond reason and goodness. Gandhi wanted the British to leave India as friends, and opened the doors of dialogue, being willing to suffer so as to expose the inhumanity and injustice - believing that the British would be humane enough to recognise and respond with compassion. I wonder - is a plaque card the best way to answer that of God? I wonder, are there other ways?

Lessons learned....

2005-01-18T20:09:00.000Z

Well,

Thanks to all who have been very supportive of me in my first disastrous weeks in New York City where I found myself in a mess with my landlady, homeless and now living in a somewhat quirky youth hostel!

For those who don't yet know - my accomodation didn't work out due to various things my landlady did that were wholly unacceptable to me - but lets not dwell on all the gory details (the nosey amongst you will have to ask me privately)! I'm now trying to get my rent money back, relying on the generosity of my parents and trying to settle into New York! All invitations for coffee/drinks/social activities gratefully received! ;)

I thought I'd write a blog post about the good stuff I am learning from a very bad situation....

1. I've learned how important honesty is to me, the importance of being upfront and having some integrity in both small things and big things. Having, I feel, been treated with dishonesty and dodgy dealings, I am more convinced than ever that honesty is the only way. It is fair to one another, and fair to ourselves to be consistently honest.

2. I've learned that I can be remarkably resourceful when I need to be. In less than a day, I managed to find myself temporary accomodation a mere 15 minute walk from where I work. If I can do that, and manage to stay sane in an insane situation, I can manage more than I thought.

3. I've learned to appreciate that my parents are very reasonable and very generous people - I've even managed to get them talking to each other after 10 years of divorce! Ha ha ha! (Alas, being worried about your daughter does seem to push other differences aside). This may not be something I've learned so much as something that quietly amuses me - and indeed, I am very thankful to my parents for their support - both emotional and financial as I've managed what has frankly been a disaster!

4. I've learned that strangers can be very kind sometimes. Everyone here - from people I've known for only a couple of days, to the university, to the man in the youth hostel where I'm now staying have been very understanding, kind and all too happy to help.

5. I've learned something of the value of silence. On Friday night I trundled along late to a Quaker meeting stressed and exhausted. It was only in the silence that I managed to get my head together and that was the first night I'd slept properly all week!

6. I've learned to appreciate what I have. On my way from my landlady's house to a new place I was met by someone collecting money for the homeless. As difficult and unfortunate as this situation has been, I should remember that there are others much much worse off than me.

7. And finally if it is not too mooshy and haplessly romantic to say so - the extent to which I am missing my best friend and partner of 9 months has surprised me. I think, there are times, when we don't know what we've got until we don't have it with us. Thankfully for me, this separation is only in location - we are still together in many ways, still emailling, msning and calling. But from a mutually teary goodbye at JFK to loneliness in the small hours of the morning - I've realised quite how much I can take Ken for granted and also quite how kind, understanding and caring he is towards me in so many ways. So Ken, I'll never fight you for the duvet again, I've had double beds all to myself now and I'd rather share... :)

We three queers of orient are...

2005-01-08T22:58:00.000Z

I visited MCCNY last Sunday, but am only now getting round to writing up a little mystery worship report (shamelessly ripped off from www.shipoffools.com)...

So here it is....

What was the name of the service?

Evening congregation at Metropolitan Community Church New York (btw, one might say MCC is a gay church) For those were thanking God that I might be returning to church as we knew it...keep praying ;)

Was your pew comfortable?

Yeah, not bad

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?

This is not possible as my partner and I got lost on the way and so were about 10 minutes late. That said we got a beaming smile and an all American, "Welcome, please come in" from a guy wearing a rainbow sash.

What were the exact opening words of the service?

See above :S Ken and I arrived to a lively and loud rendition of "Feed the World"! Sung with gusto and enthusiasm (and indeed considerable talent) by a lady soloist.

What books did the congregation use during the service?

They had a couple of song books and they read from the Bible (in Spanish and English...and sign language)

What musical instruments were played?

Keyboard and drums that I remember, maybe guitars (it was a week ago and I wasn't paying too much attention to the music).

Did anything distract you?

Needing to go to loo in the middle of the service, but that's my own fault for drinking too much water before we went!

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?

Lively, but not as happy clappy as other place I've been.

Exactly how long was the sermon?

Maybe about 20 minutes - but I was gripped by the whole thing. Rev. Pat is truly a marvellous speaker (and btw, I usually hate sermons, but this one almost had me on my seat shouting, "Go on and preach it Sista!"

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?

10 - and Rev Pat should know I typically can't stand sermons!

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?

The wise men who visited Jesus were queer - we know this because they carried beauty products across the desert for days on end, and one scholar described them as likely to be flashy dressers.

Case closed that was me convinced :D

Actually, they were probably eunuchs, they were foreign and therefore they were queer. They had to find there way home another way, so as to hide from Herod. So do we...the power of Herod, representing greed and the selfish attitude that believes theres just one small pie and that my getting some depends on others getting none is alive today, as witnessed in America's stinginess in response to the tsunami. The American government gives in a year in aid less than half of what it spends in 2 weeks fighting in Iraq...this is a disgrace, and we all need to find new ways to embrace those who suffer and share the pie...

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?

The communion...now ordinarily as a newbie Quaker I don't do communion, and I didn't take part owing to my squeamishness at the typically Anglo-catholic habit of having the priest/minister/deacon put the bread in your mouth for you - yuck. Silly I know...

Nonetheless, to watch the sheer warmth and hugging that went on, reflecting a community in which so many who have been rejected by other religious communities, and some also by family and friends had found true acceptance, warmth and a place to belong. I was genuinely touched. Here was a little piece of heaven's kingdom in Manhattan.

What part of the service was like being in, er, another place?

When I needed the loo and went downstairs to find it - it was the most freezing loo I have ever pee-d in.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?

Not much, Ken and I slipped out...but we didn't hang around for long as we wanted to get back to our hotel. That said, a very friendly guy who was leading the worship, slipped down and introduced himself and had a very friendly chat with us.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?

I'm not sure I can answer this one, as I'm not intending to make any church my regular, and find my spiritual home with the Quakers. That said, I would be happy to go back, and if I was feeling lost in NYC and wanted to be with great people, I'd go back. As it is, I plan on joining the Quakers who are only a few blocks away. MCCNY is about 2 miles away.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?

Yes...and no. Yes because such vibrant, welcoming, warm accepting communities are hard to find. And yes, because I rather suspect Jesus would have been at home amongst queer people. No, because I feel MCC reflects part of a broader church that does not accept people whose sexuality does not conform to the "norm". I will admit to wondering if MCC might be a ghetto for gay Christians and an expression of segregation and fixation on a single issue. However with Bible readings in Spanish, an entirely signed service, the opportunity to give to doctors without borders' tsunami appeal, a multi-racial service and the piles of food and toiletries that had been collected for the homeless that I tripped over on my way out...maybe MCCNY do a better job of being inclusive than most.

Poverty in the City...

2005-01-07T22:42:00.000Z

My landlady told me she thought I'd be impressed by the wealth in NY city, and given that the tiny apartment she lives in is worth $1m and that generally it rents for $4800 per month - well that is quite something. To be honest, I'm not that impressed by that. Didn't like to say so of course - I just mumbled something about how that would be expected given how many executives live in the city and that sort of thing.

However in thinking about that, I went out today and realised, I was astounded by the poverty in this city. The local police station collects cans of food because apparently 1 in 5 new yorkers don't know where their next meal is coming from. I saw a man today with no leg begging wearing a mechanical stump, and on my way home I saw a lady bin hoking. It is hard hitting around here. I spent a few weeks a few summers ago with former drug addicts in Russia. I witnessed terrible poverty there - but somehow New York hits me harder. Perhaps because I'm staying with some of the wealthiest people and feeling like I simply do not fit in.

The people I stayed with in Russia were poor, they did have food, and they did have a degree of warmth but that was it. However, I think they were very rich people if not wealthy at all because of the value they placed on each other and their open door to the heroine addicts and prostitutes that roam St. Petersburg's streets. They might have given them a good sermonising being charismatic Christians, but they also gave more than enough food and shelter as far as they were able.

I fear my left wing politics and beliefs about equality may make me not fit in here. The university where I'll be working is the largest private university in the country. Students there pay upwards of $20000 a year in tuition! I think I've already wound my landlady up by explaining my education has been free, and I'm here on a grant from a government agency. (But I worked damn hard for that grant, and feel I've earned my way here, and I'm proud of that as a matter of fact!)

I realised why she looked so funny last night when we talked about my career plans. She asked if I would make contacts here and move over here to make the big bucks in private practice. I said probably not, because despite its flaws, I really appreciated the NHS, and would like to work in that sort of system so that no-one was deprived of my skills because they were poor. (I entirely forgot how insulting that might sound to someone who probably has private health insurance to the hilt...but hey, did you know in the UK the lower your socio-economic status is the higher the likelihood that you will use mental health services...the opposite is true here according to one paper I read a few weeks ago....interesting, very interesting. There is a good dinner topic should I feel the need for some trouble stirring!

I managed to find the Quaker meeting house today - its less than a 10 minute walk from my place :) I intend to ask the Quakers if I can volunteer in their homeless shelter and see if I can't make some positive and compassionate response to the poverty I see all around me.

If I was into praying, I'd ask the spirit to make me openhanded,

Thoughts anyone?

New York New York

2005-01-06T20:42:00.000Z

Hey hey hey!

I am here and will try to figure out how to download pics from my digital camera & upload them here for anyone interested enough to read!

Where I live is cool. I live next to a bookshop where they sell rare and out of publication books which is sure to keep me entertained for hours on end. Apparently there is 8 miles of books in that place (Jealous Laurence?) There's also every conceivable kind of cafe, bar and restaurant, tons of shops including a shop that pretty much just sells cheese :S Soy blue cheddar anyone? I thought not....bleurgh!

Oh yeah, Americans are so into the Atkin's diet it is unbelievable. No carb, fat free, triple chocolate fudge cake anyone? What I want to know is what nasty chemicals are in there and where exactly they go when you eat them. Apparently the stuff is manufactured so that your body doesn't digest it. Uh-huh. I don't think so. No sweet n low for me - I'll have sugar please.

I took a quick trip up to where I'll be working but decided against wandering in in my jeans and trainers (or sneakers as they say here) as that place is swaaaanky!!! I'll have to go shopping for some smarter clothes over the weekend. They're real bargains here anyway so needing them for work sounds like a great excuse :D

Also right by where I work is an amazing coffee shop that sells the bestest bestest sandwiches and bagels and praise the lord imported cadbury's chocolate and hobnobs...yeah baby!!! Also there is a Jewish bookshop that I meandered into and giggled at how like a Christian bookshop it was (except everything was Jewish obviously)! One title caught my eye - "There is no Messiah, and you're it". I liked that, maybe I'll buy a copy! Laurence I hope you are reading this (ha ha ha) Oh and Laurence I also live right around the corner from a place called "East West books" run by the Himalyan institute. :P

I hope my parents come to visit as I can load them up with books to take home :D

The Quakers are not so far away (apparently but I've not found them yet)! I heard a Jewish girl speak recently about how when she travels she finds comfort in the familiarity of saying the shabbat with other Jews. I never thought I'd say it - but I am hoping to find that same famililarity in Quaker silence. We'll see.

Speaking of Quakers, I can't stop thinking about the environmental testimony. New York is such a throw away place. Everything is plastic wrapped in plastic and not a recycling bin in sight. Usually I'm not an eco-warrior type and only ever bothered recycling when they gave us recycling bins. Even so - here amazes me.

Ken and I did, however, happily find a cosy place called Teany where they have a 10 page tea menu and very nice sandwiches & beans on toast (yum yum), where apart from every concievable variety of tea they also had recycling bins and I sat there feeling thorougly smug about it.

So New York is cool, the Teany tea room being the coolest place so far - oh and New York's gay church. I visited with Ken and it was more than interesting - I'll write a review when I have more time. So its all marvellous and exciting and all that...but secretly, I just miss somebody very much and can't wait to finish.

I am who i am....

2004-12-10T13:17:00.000Z

http://starseyer.blogspot.com/2004/11/who-i-am-in-universe.html

I stumbled across this and I quite liked the idea, especially when I realised it was a revamp of Neil Anderson's "Who I am in Christ" ~ http://www.students.yorku.ca/~kaldeway/faith/04dec2003.shtml

So who am I:

~I am fundamentally good
~I love
~I am loved
~I am infinately valuable
~I am no more valuable than anyone else
~I find God by embracing other people
~...especially those less fortunate than myself & whom most people would rather ignore
~I am a seeker of truth
~I am honest
~I am intelligent & well educated
~I find meaning by using my intelligence and skills for the good of others
~I am materially rich
~I have a responsibility to those who are poor
~I have much to learn from those who are not intelligent, not educated and not rich, and what they can give me may be far more valuable and precious than what I can give them.
~I am amusing, fun and and enjoyer of life in all its fullness
~I come from a Christian tradition and I can celebrate this without shame
~I am a universalist and a pluralist
~I am a religious liberal and do not need to be ashamed of this either!
~I am a learner and am enriched as I appreciate the traditions of others.

Ok, anyone else want to join in?

Pizza and baked beans with Gerry Adams

2004-12-09T13:39:00.000Z

This morning I wasn't woken up by my radio alarm clock. Instead I somehow managed to integrate the radio 4 news broadcast into my dream! The news was about the Northern Irish peace deal, and I dreamt I was eating pizza and baked beans (wierd or what) at a table with all the Northern Irish political leaders - and guess who I was sitting next to....Gerry Adams.

It was a formal dinner (with beans and pizza ) and someone stood up and announced that the young Ian Paisley was going to give a speech, at which point I whispered to Gerry Adams, "As if the dad wasn't bad enough!" which made him snigger!!!

Then there actually was a speech on the radio by the young Ian Paisley were he was demanding to know why the IRA couldn't give photos of the weapons disarmment and he then said that they didn't complain when the photos of murdered innocents were all over the newspaper and surely that should have been more humiliating. At which point I turned to Gerry Adams and said, "You know what, I normally don't agree with a word he says, but he's got a point!"

Wierd or what?!?!

BTW - what does anyone think of this photograph business in the NI peace deal?

Healing the church's divides...

2004-12-08T13:16:00.000Z

Mark Greer and Andy Goodliff have recently mentioned Brian McClaren's view of generous orthodoxy. Can I ask if either of them are reading - could you please explain a little more of what you meant by this? I've only read a little McClaren and was put off my his writing style although he makes some excellent points. Thank you!

What with this whole hoo-ha about Steve Chalke "repudiating his evangelical past" and "defecting to the liberals" (ha, as if!), it seems the old conservative-liberal divide continues, which is such a shame. I've straddled both sides of this fence. I've been a conservative Christian, I've been (maybe I am) a liberal Christian and now I see myself as more of a seeker with no real allegiances to any theological perspective.

I wonder if we need to focus, not on creeds/beliefs/theology but on the kind of stuff I assume Steve Chalke was actually on about - following the social and practical teachings of Jesus?

I pondered in the shower this morning and realised that despite my rather colourful rants about the evangelical church, I have actually gained quite a lot from my membership of it in the past, and what I am now stems very much from some of the moral and ethical prinicipals I grew to value within it. The people who have always inspired me most, are not the theological thinkers, but those who act with tremendous generosity and compassion towards those who are in some way poor or disadvantaged.

My first ever Christian hero was Keith Green, not for his music (that was soooo my dad's generation), but for the integrity of his lifestyle. His opening his home to unwed mothers, drug addicts and hippies and his treatment of the least with respect and kindness. Another of my heroes was Steve Chalke. Not for his floppy hair or GMTV make-up & voice, but for his work amongst the poor and his ability to create an awareness amongst the general public.

I realised, that I am grateful to the Baptist church I grew up in for introducing me to Tear Fund, educating me about the reality of poverty and practical action that can be taken to allieviate suffering. I am grateful to Tony Campolo for his creative, colourful at at times angry rants about injustices perpetrated by Western governments and the church's hypocrisy. His commitment to the poor and the least inspire me like not even Don Cuppit could ;P

All of these people are deeply conservative and evangelical - but I am grateful to them, not for their theology, not for their models of atonement and my God, not for their music, but for their ability to care, to communicate the plight of the poor and call for action - at the bare basics level of making room for the people we meet every day and at the level of international politics and social justice activism.

I think also, we (all of us), have got to learn how to listen to those who think differently from us. I have got to learn not to balk and declare cosmic child abuse to my friends who think penal substitution is a good thing. Although, I shall continue to find that way of looking at the cross as deeply unsatisfactory, it doesn't make them sub-human. And neither, my friends, does my liberal universalism, make me stupid, niave or lacking in commitment and integrity.

I think if we listen to one another, and learn to see each other as friends rather than as theological opposition or "liberal" or "evangelical", but simply friends beneath whatever labels we put on ourselves and one another we can come to a renewed appreciation both of one another and also of our own perspectives. We can be most enlightened in our own perspectives when we take on board the perspectives and share a little light with one another.

"Unity is love not likeness" wrote someone called Moore, and Dan Seeger wrote of the Quakers...

"Perhaps it is given to us to show how a great people can be gathered into a unified and loving community while respecting, and even celebrating its individual members' distinctiveness. But one thing is certain, we Friends cannot preach reconciliation, unless we ourselves are reconciled."

Us too - we cannot reconcile the divisions in our world, unless we first are reconciled to one another.

Books....

2004-12-07T16:19:00.000Z

It seems to be the trend to posts books that people have found particularly good, entertaining or helpful...so why rebel ;)

I think it might be helpful to summarise each book and what it meant for me.

The books I've read recently seem to fall into a couple of categories:

Love, relationships, sexuality....

I've spent a lot of time thinking and pondering sexuality and relationships recently. Partly because I am a psychologist and infinately nosey about the intimate details of people's lives and experience, partly because I want to be understanding and generous to those friends of mine whose sexuality falls outside the mainstream (and by that I don't mean gay ;P), and partly because I'm a women in her mid-twenties and so evolution and biology conspire to make me think about these things!!

Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

"Once upon a time, there was a prostitute called Maria" so begins Coelho's book. This book was first and foremost a wonderful pacy story about a prostitute called Maria. She gets our sympathies from the word go, and we journey with her from niave teenager to excited traveller, from frightened foreigner to erotic dancer, from erotic dancer to scared prostitute, from experienced madam to S&M queen...and oddly ending up vulnerable, warm, naked and held. This is a story about sex, about love, about how sexuality can strengthen, dominate, humilate, comfort, dehumanise and humanise. It is about a journey from fascination with pure physical pleasure to an understanding of sex as the most sacred and intimate of human encounters. A story about the vulnerability we need to explore our inner light, to share it with another human being and pursue contact, touch, sensation and sex as a sacred activity in the context of genuine love. I liked it both as a racy story about classy whoring, and as a spiritual reflection on love and sex.

Jeanette Winterson, Oranges are not the Only Fruit

A lesbian growing up in a Pentecostal church. You can't beat that!!! Actually Winterson's observations as someone who was in precisely that position are extremely touching and complex. You're never quite sure if you should hate her church, laugh at them or be endeared by their quirks. Again, its a story about self-discovery, love and humanity. Its a classic, albeit interspaced with rather wierd fairy tales that try to be profound but somehow just flop! The BBC dramatisation is excellent!

Jo Ind, Memories of Bliss

Alas, I don't just read novels. Jo Ind is the first and the only book written from a Christian perspective about sex that I've ever found helpful. Burn the Joshua Harris and the Relationships Revolutions - this one makes down to earth sense. I think we need a new sexual ethic. There is no such thing as the "Biblical one", and adults get married for love these days - gone are the days of teenagers marrying as a business agreement between families. Jo Ind gave me inspiration in my quest for a generous and compassionate sexual ethic that fulfils the heart of what Christ taught us to do - love ourselves, love our neighbour, love God.

Walter Wink, "Homosexuality - Questions of Conscience for the Churches

Balanced stories from evangelicals, liberals, catholics, quakers and whole manner of people that helped me to reflect on how to love my neighbour who is gay. Thanks Wink!

In the novels category...

His Dark Materials, Phillip Pullman

What higher recommendation could a book have?! No not a glowing Guardian review! The Catholic Herald declared it fit for burning, so I couldn't miss out on this one could I?! Actually its a strikingly good, fast paced story and a really enjoyable holiday read! I read all three in a week I spent in Ireland. I thought it was an excellent reflection on power-plays, religion, friendship and sin. Sin, being that which is labelled as unacceptable actually being that which gives us humanity, and sin, which is committed in the name of stamping sin out. Well, maybe that's just me. I enjoyed this one - mostly for the story, and the haunting description of the death of the ancient of days! I can't wait for the film!

Life of Pi, Yann Martel

I don't know why I liked this one - I just did. Its a lovely story, and a reflection on stories and their worth. This one is strangely gripping.

God of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

This is an excellently, cleverly plotted story in intricate language inspired by the Indian use of English. It is beautifully written and full of well developed and hilarious characters. Ultimately it reflects on the hypocrisy of the adults in the world of two child twins whose cousin accidentally drowns. There's a lot in this book, and its one of the few books I intend to read more than once! Quote of the book is this one, describing the communist party, but that could just so easily describe any of the adult institutions...

"Another religion turned against itself. Another ediface constructed by the human mind, deciminated by human nature."

In violence and suffering...

In the last two years who hasn't wondered what drives someone to violence and terrorism. A lot of books I've read (Richard Holloway, Harvey Gillman's intro to the Quakers) cite quote Ellie Weisel, Jewish survivor of the Holocaust. I've read two of his books...

Night - the story of a Weisel's experiences as a young man in a concentration camp and the ensuing horrors and death that he experiences. This book is harrowing and haunting and can only leave its readers disconcerted, disorientated, empty and uncomfortable. But this is the world we live in, and Weisel helps us experience horror and disgust. The pivotal moment in the book, for me, was Weisel's description of the hanging of a child that he was forced to watch. He describes being "alone-terribly alone in a world without God...", and the inevitable question, "Where is God now?". Rising from within his heart, Weisel heard his answer "Where is He? Here He is-He is hanging here on this gallows..."

Dawn - the fictional story about another Holocaust survivor who flees to Israel and takes to terrorism against the Palestinians. As I watched the horrors that have unfolded in Iraq, the kidnappings, the capture and subsequent executions of Kenneth Bigley and Margaret Hassan, the horrific tragedy of Beslan - I am reminded of the unnerving and terrible truth that terrorists are human too.

I think that's probably enough for now...maybe I'll come back to this!

Bye bye research budget

2004-11-29T16:01:00.000Z

Well I know my research budget is supposed to be spent on research expenses - and so far for my PhD mine have been relatively low.

In the UK, we're not allowed to pay participants any real amount of money - just travelling expenses and sometimes a little token gesture. But its never more than about £10 for an hour - and even then, that's if participants are lucky, adults and not considered vulnerable.

Medical ethics seldom let people doing my kind of research pay - and most certainly you don't pay children! Its considered coercive. I can see the argument, although sometimes I think we ought to express more appreciation of the work participants do for us.

Now, I've been told I have to pay my American participants $50 each - theoretically $25 for the parent and $25 for the child! (for those who don't know my research involves collecting questionnaires and interviews from parents and children). Now frankly I think paying a child $25 for completing a short questionnaire (taking 10 minutes, no more) is quite ridiculous - and actually not ethical. That is coercive!

However, there's going to be some very happy ADHD kids in New York when I get there I guess. Now, I have a niggle at the back of my mind that that is not actually very fair on my UK participants, who do just as much! But I probably won't be allowed to.

I see a long and drawn out debate ahead...not to mention letters from the finance department asking where all the money's gone?!?!

Anyone else got an opinion - should medical research participants be paid?

Beaurocracy sucks...

2004-11-26T13:21:00.000Z

Argh!

Today i am fed up and have decided that instead of doing my work I shall write a blog post :)

Why did I decide to do a PhD? At the moment I'm juggling arranging to get a visa to travel to America and submitting ethics applications - and what a procedure!!!

I have a million forms to fill in and even have to go to Belfast instead of London to make sure I get the visa on time. My mother calls me every few hours with a new idea about what we shall do if my visa doesn't come through!

Then I'm trying to get someone to take my room in my house. I have someone coming this evening, lets hope he likes it because so far I've showed round a very strange man who spoke terrible English and a girl who was completely dappy and unable to make a decision!

Then there are ethics forms. For the British form there is as many pages as their are varieties of Heinz soup (that's 57) - and that's just the basic form, not the consent, information and insurance documents that have got to go along with it. Can you imagine - I have to provide evidence of endemnity insurance lest I kill or injure one of my participants by accident. All they'll be doing is filling out a few questionnaires and talking to me for about 10 minutes! Well I guess I might have a haemophilliac participant who winds up with a paper cut or something.

The ironic thing is that I have to justify the length of my questionnaires. Apparently its considered unethical to ask participants to spend very long filling out questionnaires. (Frankly, I think their ethics form is unethical and damaging to my mental health!) And another thing, where on earth do I get off asking my participants about sensitive information - what if they get upset. Good Lord - I'm researching a childhood mental health disorder, of course some of the questions might be sensitive...and I guess I have had one participant break down so far! Still, you can pump research volunteers full of new drugs and subject them to invasive procedures, puncture their lungs and stop their hearts in the name of science - but ask them to get a bit bored filling out questionnaires or ask them a question that might make them cry...can't have that, can we.

And then, there is the American application. And America has no problems at all about giving participants questionnaires of a zillion items - but they too have the most ridiculous insurance documents and confusing forms. Exactly how am I supposed to know how participants can contact me when I don't know where I'll be living or which office I'll be working in!!!

ARGGGGGhhhhhhh!!!

I must go - my friend is about to come out of her PhD viva so I have to go call her Dr. and join in the champagne drinking and celebrating down the pub for lunch. Excellent - I hope to be tipsy all afternoon and all these forms will look so much better - hurrah!!

One day, one day, way in the future it will be me, and I shall prance around in my maroon academic robes and try to get people to ask me, "Is that Miss or Mrs."

God is Dead

2004-11-25T18:14:00.000Z

I wrote this sitting in a cafe waiting for my car to be serviced last spring. Anyway, it seems quite relevant given the thoughts running through my head lately. I'd be interested to hear what Andy Goodliff things of it :D Perhaps it will make where I am coming from a bit clearer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GOD IS DEAD!

I of course, would never deny you.
At least not in my former life when you walked with me
Side by side
Like best friends laughing along a beach,
A shoulder to cry on,
Someone to eat with,
And join in your passionate mission with all the zeal of youth.

That was until you changed,
Said goodbye,
Said you had somewhere to go
And said that I, yes I, would leave you.

But no, not me.

Now I see,
It was me who killed you.
Not the religious types, or the political types
Or anyone else for that matter
But me.

I killed you like I killed ladybirds as a child
Trapping them in jam jars
Trying to make them a home with a childish fistful of mud,
A few blades a grass,
Some daisies and a buttercup.
I killed you with the fancies of my philosophy
Trying to make a home for you in my mind
Containing you in my thoughts
Until you suffocated and died.

Like a dead flower crushed between the pages
Of my weighty sacred text
All that remains of you
Is a fragile skeleton,
A dried-out shadow of a former life,
The fragments of you crumbling in my hand..

I never noticed when you flapped your wings
Like a rare and beautiful butterfly
Trying to escape through the grimy windows of a deserted cathedral,
Driving yourself into a frenzy
Until I caught you,
Stretched open your wings and pinned them down
Inside a plastic box and put you on display.
Your still, faded, dead little body,
Merely hinting at a life you once knew.

So now, this is my God.
Dead.

Yet waiting, waiting for the resurrection,
When you will appear and eat with me again
As though you were as real as I am
And then disappearing through walls
As though you were a phantom.
Surprising me as you crawl over my skin like a ladybird
Then fly away as soon as I notice you and think I have you in my hand.
Dancing with fresh luscious flowers,
Spreading subtle fragances in the warm summer breeze,
Darting through the air like butterflies with brilliant flashes of vibrant colour.

Too broad for me to get a hold of,
Too far away for me to touch,
Yet surrounding me, containing me in the expanse of creation,
Embracing me with touches of human kindness
Breathing on me in the gentle wind,
Astounding me with beauty at every turn.

Never again would you submit to my religion, my Bible or the fancies of my philosophy,
Never again would you live in my jam jar mind, or be trapped in the pages of a holy book,
Never again would you allow me to show you off, say I've found you and tell everyone else to look at you.
For that God is dead,
Dead, gone and buried.

LONG LIVE GOD!

So what exactly do you believe then?

2004-11-24T16:32:00.000Z

Hee hee - its a question I seem to be getting asked quite a bit these days.

And the answer is - I do not know. I am a seeker, not a believer!

I think it takes more faith in "God" to doubt God than to simply suspend our critical faculties and believe what our religion says we ought to. To doubt means we doubt our own faith and our own beliefs and trust Truth to guide us. If God is Truth then the only way to find God is to put questions on our own little versions of the truth and be willing to risk the loss of faith, the loss of God in order to find God.

The problem with beliefs is that they are definable and understandable, the problem with doctrine is that it can be neatly written down in books. God cannot. I am afraid I am going to disappoint my Christian friends as much as I am going to disappoint my atheist friends. I will disappoint my Christian friends by saying I do not believe God is like how our doctrines and theologies have painted him to be. And I will disappoint my atheist friends who want to know what it is exactly they don't believe in. Because the problem is I do not think God is understandable. To ask if he exists perhaps misses the point!

I don't know if there is a personal being out there who goes by the name of God/Allah/Yahweh. But as Karen Armstrong put it so nicely...

"This is God become politicised, God taken over by a purely human system of thought. I don't think God has anything to do with thinking or concepts or even images. Its much more a sense of mystery, in the fullest sens of the word. God's not a nut that you can crack and say: "Eureka! I've found him! Now I understand!" If we can understand God, He's not God."

If God had made it all perfectly clear, what a boring world we would live in. Perhaps, we are intended to use our brains, our minds and our creativity to construct reality in a way that is life affirming and therefore God affirming? Perhaps God is to be found in the search? Jeannette Winterson wrote "the pillar of cloud became a fog, perplexing and impossible". I think this experience will ring true with anyone on a spiritual search. Because as we search, we realise that the old strong realities aren't so real after all, the systematic theology falls down, the statements of faith disintegrate and the pillars of clouds that once seemed so solid disperse, leaving us with a perplexing fog of doubt and questionning - but perhaps also, we touch God as we grapple through the fog and are open to finding new things.

If we did not doubt, we would never be open to anything new. What could we learn if our beliefs were engraved on stone? Why did Jesus replace the old law written on tablets on stone, with the inner law of love in our hearts? Perhaps its because the rules don't really matter that much - but if we look within ourselves and treasure those things in the world that remind us of what we love and value we enter into God in a new and fresh way.

Maybe, just maybe, the day we find God is the day we loose him.

"Cast all your thoughts or preconceptions about God under a thick cloud of forgetting and approach Him as He is." (The Cloud of Unknowing)

More Quaker reflections

2004-10-26T14:51:00.000+01:00

Last Sunday's meeting was a lively affair. There must have been about 6 or 7 speakers, which is unusally many, but the words, particularly of a couple of people have stayed with me this week as I have found myself engaged in discussions about the nature of God.

One lady's words in particular, could not have expressed more clearly the doubt and the confusion that have characterised my faith of late. In the past, she said, she prayed to "God, my loving Father" but now no longer saw God like that. Me neither. I do not experience a daddy God, who cares for me individually and feel I cannot pray to "My Father". I can see myself as a child of God, but only in so far as I see the whole of humanity as children of God, and in particular those human beings who live in compassion and self-giving.

Then again, Jesus did teach us to pray, "Our Father", not "My Father", so perhaps we were never meant to find ourselves wrapped up in God as individuals, perhaps we were never meant to indulge ourselves with introspection and emotionalism. Perhaps, this is my bias coming from a charismatic background, where the whole Father Heart of God movement encouraged people to find in God a daddy far better than any human daddy. Me, I am happy just to have my dad - imperfect like anyone else's dad, but still my dad. I don't need a replacement thanks, not even if that replacement is a perfect God. Ok, I'll stop my ranting about the Father Heart of God movement.

The lady from the Quakers went on to quote from Eckhart, asking if having stood in the presence of God, we were willing to face God in the nothingness. There were no answers given, no pat little explanations about God playing hide and seek with us so that we pursue him, merely the question, are we willing to see God as nothing?

Of late, I find it no longer possible to believe in a personal kind of God. God as an entity or being with a mind and personality all of his own as a human being might have. Still less do I see God as some kind of mega mind who created everything. It is almost as though I see God's relationship with the universe as akin to consciousness's relationship with the human brain. The mind and brain are strongly linked, and the mind, with all its thoughts, experiences, perceptions and emotions emerges from neurochemical activities. Perhaps God, in all his strength, determination, power and her gentleness, love, kindness, compassion and wisdom (my apologies to more conservative readers, God seems to me to be feminine as well as masculine these days) is the emergent consciousness of the universe. God nurtures, God lives, God supports life, nourishes and cares for the planet. However, God acts through the universe.

As I seem quite comfortable with the Quaker idea that there is "that of God" in each person. Then I think God acts through human beings. God loves through us, breathes through us, cares through us and acts through us in so far as we welcome wisdom, gentieness, strength, kindness, love and generosity to operate within us.

A friend of mine expressed his desire for a personal God who can be held accountable. Perhaps, I cannot go shaking my fist at God. If I do, I find myself shaking my fist at myself for not making space for that of God within me to be expressed, and at others who act unjustly. It is human beings who should be held to account, and it is all of our responsibility to express and live in God, if God is to be realised in the universe we live in.

Thanks to the Anglicans, plenty to say :)

2004-10-20T16:51:00.000+01:00

My thanks to Sarah from 24-7talkback for pointing out this humourous summary of the recently published Windsor Report - http://www.wibsite.com/features/windsorreport/

I wonder if I am allowed to have an opinion, not being Anglican and all? Hmmmm - well, its never stopped me before, so what the heck...

Right - first off, who appointed these middle-aged to elderly men (because we can't have women bishops, oh no no no) as the deciders of what relationships are valid and who is able to serve the church community with love and compassion? Imagine a group of men getting together to decide what relationships can be blessed, and what relationships are immoral. Imagine, a group of men get together to decide whose sexuality is right in God's eyes, and whose is sick, wrong...or at the very least inferior?

The publication of the Windsor document, and perhaps also most discussions that we have concerning homosexuality are insulting and arrogant towards people who are gay. Rowan Williams and others have called for a time of listening to one anothers views and perspectives. Well, I think that's a marvellous idea - let us listen.

But I do not think this should mean a call for debating whose position is the most scriptural, or whose is the most progressive, or even whose is the most compassionate. Imagine, if instead of wrangling through this time and time again, the church listened - not to itself, but to the people whose relationships it does not approve of. What if we asked Gene Robinson to talk to everyone, or Jeffrey John?

What if we invited those Christians whose sexuality has driven them out of the church for fear of misunderstanding, stigma and condemnation? And perhaps more challenging for me, what if we listened to those Christians who have chosen a celibate lifestyle on account of their sexuality?

What if we listened to our gay friends, and allowed ourselves to be touched and challenged by their stories. Perhaps then we would truly be in a position to love one another, regardless of our sexualities and to appreciate and support one anothers relationships (or singleness) regardless of what genders are involved? What if instead of treating gay people as issues or as a matter for Biblical interpretation, we recognised them as fellow human beings and responded as such - in friendship and humility rather than with judgement, lengthy debate and the publication of documents deciding if their long term, loving relationship based on mutual trust, faithfulness and generosity is moral enough.

I think the church constantly misses the point when it comes to matters of sexuality. We debate if its ok to get jiggy with it before marriage and how far is too far - can we kiss, can we grope, can we fiddle with each others bits and pieces as though an intimate relationship is all about physical contact? We debate divorce and remarriage, and we debate same sex marriage, as though there is only one way to be.

Well, I think there is only one way - the way that Christ taught us - the way of love. Christ taught us that the spirit is more important than the letter of the law. What does it matter if someone has been married before, and what does it matter if we love someone of the same sex, and what does it matter exactly what you touch before the church stamps its official blessing and gives you a "permit to move in and have sex" certificate? Surely what matters is that our relationships are based on love, generosity and faithfulness to one another?

I believe in chastity. But I do not believe that chastity or purity is staying out of bed til you get married and only marrying someone of the opposite sex. I believe it is a holistic way of life that seeks to care for oneself and others. It is the way of respecting the deep value of ourselves, our friends and our relationships. It is not about following a list of rules, but rather living in love, faithfulness and wisdom. What it looks like may vary between people and between cultures, but ultimately it cares for, protects and cherishes the dignity of individuals and human relationships. However, I think the Quakers have articulated it better than I could ever hope to...

"True chastity is a quality of the spirit: it entails the deepest respect and a profound value for human relationships. It involves the most generous giving, which may mean the restraint of withholding, but it is not solely measured in physical terms. Further, there are lives which are being lived unconventionally with more true chastity than some lived in obedience to conventional codes...It is the antithesis of what was recently described to one of us as “the hire purchase attitude of this age”—the attitude that implies: “I want it now and I must have it. I will pay later—perhaps—if I can”. It is not rigid restraint nor refusal to be involved; it is not arid self-discipline nor living according to a moral pattern. It is a wholeness of personality, courtesy and charity, sincerity and purity of heart. It is not necessarily measured in physical terms; it is a total absence of exploitation; it is as necessary a part of marriage as of a single life." - From "Towards a Quaker View of Sex", 1964

Not much to say really...

2004-10-18T17:07:00.000+01:00

I feel as though I should write something on my blog, but actually, unusally I have not a lot to say :S

I have been working, socialising with friends and tonight I start salsa dancing lessons and on Wednesday pilates classes start again - hooray!!

I did stumble across a wonderful quote today, which I think warrants some quiet reflection...

Sometime in your life, hope that you might see one starved man, the look on his face when the bread finally arrives. Hope that you might have baked it or bought or even kneaded it yourself. For that look on his face, for your meeting his eyes across a piece of bread, you might be willing to lose a lot, or suffer a lot, or die a little, even. ~Daniel Berrigan

Post Oslo reflections

2004-10-04T13:57:00.000+01:00

I just got back from Oslo. Its quite a small city.

We arrived in the airport, having beeng organised enough to take Euro with us and tried to buy some water from the shop only to be told that "Norway is not in the EU and NEVER will be." Oopsie, but that was kind of funny in retrospect and we managed to get kroner at the airport!

I was astounded at how expensive everything was. £3 for a cup of coffee, and I paid about £12 for a burger that was nowhere near as fantabulous as the Crown Inn in Southampton at £4.80 for a massive thing with two toppings. Long live the Crown Inn I say. In Norway they do not always have handles on cups, so you burn your fingers when you drink your coffee/tea/hot chocolate.

I was however very impressed with the Vigelands park in central Oslo - it was definately worth a see. Strolling around in the fresh (and I mean fresh, crispy, cold) air and seeing hundreds of beautiful statues reflecting on life's experiences, from tantrum throwing children, to young love, midlife crises, the beauty of old age (the old people where beautiful), clinging on to life in the face of death, death itself and nourishing the earth in dying. It was something - I imagine you could walk about that park hundreds of time, thinking, reflecting and being deep and always come out with some new meanings from the statues.

I think I am not cut out to be a scientist. I do not work from dawn til the middle of the night, I do not have 7am meetings over breakfast and I do not talk about research 24-7, and I want a social life. Scientists are quite obsessive I think and the effort involved just goes too far for me. I definately think I want to do clinical work, maybe some research on the side, but to devote my career (and as it seemed at the conference, my life) to science is another matter. Give me people, 9-5 and a social life I think!!!

One fine thing I would like to toast the Norwegians on - banning smoking in pubs!!! Well done Norway!!! It was delightful to sit in a non-smoking pub. Unfortunately I was with two smoking friends who were very pissed of and had to hide my pleasure ;)

I've come back to find that I have not been paid and so am very cross, not to mention poor. So I'll leave this post-Oslo reflection in order to go buy some vegetables to make some soup for dinner tonight and call the research council to ask where my money is. They did this last year as well, how hard can it be to transfer money from their account to mine :(

A model unitarian

2004-09-28T13:53:00.000+01:00

Thank you RobertB for brigtening up my dreary morning :D

I am the very model of a modern Unitarian
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the worlds religions and can trace their roots historical,
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions, I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem, I am teeming with a lot of views,
I'm full of fine ideas that should fill the churchs empty pews.
I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological,
I'm anti-nuke, I dont pollute, I'm chastely ecological.
I'm short in matters spir-ri-tu-al, ethical, material,
I am the very model of todays religious liberal.

I use the latest language: God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life, or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I'm leery about worshiping,
I serve on ten committees, none of which accomplish anything!
I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas-conserving car,
I have good UU principles (although I dont remember what they are).
I'm open to opinions of profound and broad variety,
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
I can formulate agendas and discuss 'em with the best of 'em,
But don't ask me to implement; I leave that to the rest of 'em.
In short, in matters spir-ri-tu-al, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today's religious liberal.

Packing and Ironing

2004-09-28T13:50:00.000+01:00

I am supposed to be packing for Oslo at the moment, but keep procrastinating! My clothes are still damp - its so hard trying to get stuff dried when its damp outside and you have to hang them around the house!

I'm fed up!

A growing discomfort

2004-09-24T22:33:00.000+01:00

As this week as gone by, the words from the Quaker meeting have continued to present me with a great challenge, oddly enough mingled with a great joy. In the past, I have been told off, ignored or at least looked at as though I was a little crazy when I have talked in religious circles about feeling frustrated about the state of the world. Idealistic, young and naive as I was, and still may be - I'm only following in a great line of spiritual leaders who have called us to our responsibilities towards our fellow man (and woman...obviously!)

It is a tragedy that anyone should feel this way in the Christian community - after all James wrote "Religion that the Lord our God regards aspure and faultless is this, to take care of widows and orphans." Yet, one might be forgiven in assuming that "Religion that our church regards as pure and faultless is this, to stay out of bed til you're married, pray daily and study the NIV diligently."

I like how Thich Nhat Hanh puts it in "Living Buddha, Living Christ" when he talks about the Buddhist practice of meditation.

If while we practice we are not aware that the world is suffering, that children
are dying of hunger, that social injustice is going on everywhere, we are not
practising mindfulness. We are just trying to escape

I think that this is equally true of any religion, faith or spiritual practice - if itsdoes not cause us to be more loving, more just and more aware of a suffering world - it is escapism, not worship, and not spirituality.

Finally I feel free to pursue the discomfort that I feel in response to my position as a rich, educated and priveleged in a world of injustice, poverty and war. Finally, I feel free to pursue a religion, or a spirituality as would be my preferred term that is taking care of widows and orphans - even as that forces me to face up to some tough questions and challenging lifestyle choices.

On one level I want to dive straight in, sign myself up to be chained to the railings at the next anti-arms rally. I want to give my life away to some worthy cause. But I do not know that that would be wise, and would probably only represent a sporatic burst of dramatic activity that would serve to make me feel thorougly pleased with myself and satisfied that I am an all round champion of the poor and weak. Ultimately I would become tired, fail my PhD and give up on activism when I did not see immediate results. Somehow I realise that there is a process here that may take time.

There is a fine balance to be struck here, between not shirking responsibility so as to give freely and generously, and being reasonable about what I can feasibly give. It is better, I think, to live a little consistently over a long period of time than to give everything in one go and end up frustrated and tired.

I am finding Quaker "Advices and Queries" particularly helpful food for thought and suitably balancing here...

"Remember you responsibilities as a citizen for the conduct of local, national
and international affairs. Do not shrink from the time and effort that your
involvement may demand"

...and also....

"Every stage in our lives offers fresh opportunities. Responding to
divine guidance, try to discern the right time to undertake or reliquish
responsibilities without unde pride or guilt. Attend to what love requires of
you, which may not be great busyness."

So where does this leave me then? I think the first step is actually to slow down a bit, to take time out and contemplate. I have been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I must find out what meanings the Quakers have when they talk about holding someone in the light.

I used to pray a lot but I have stopped. So much prayer that I have been involved with has been asking God to change particular situations. I take issue with a God who answers the prayers of some. So, lets say a God heals someone because someone prays for them, well what about the people who God doesn't heal or help because no-one knows to pray for them? I'm not sure I would want anything to do with that kind of God.

I do think, it is important to be with people we immediately know, to feel one anothers joys and to grieve with each other when things go wrong or tragedy strikes. To be with a person, to celebrate with them, to grieve with them is a great gift that I think Jesus demonstrated very clearly. This takes discipline, time and self giving - all things that I am not naturally very good at, but I would like to become better at it. I think there may be space here for stillness, to think about another person and take time to remember them in our thoughts before God (or the Light, or the source of being, or life, or the Spirit - all terms, I'm currently preferring at the moment) and in so doing become more mindful, aware and thoughtful in our response towards them. (It would appear that I have been reading rather too much Quaker and Buddhist texts lately :) )!

This is important as it can change us, settle our minds and our natural reactions of worry/frustration/anger and enable us to respond with understanding, empathy and pragmatism. This on a wider scale, means doing that for all peoples. It is to feel the pain of Sudanese refugees, it is to feel the uncertaintiy and tension amongst the Iraqi people, it is to feel the humiliation of those sentenced to work for a pittance in inhumane conditions and it is then to take thoughtful action to advocate on their behalf. This is what I want to do - but do i manage it?

No - I guess it is to start small and try and perhaps in practice become more mindful and loving. I like what Mother Teresa said, "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love,"

Perhaps this is where I should start - not with a brand new project or political cause, but doing the small things with great love. Can I have coffee with my friends with great love? Can I say good morning and good evening to my housemates with great love? Can I do my PhD with great love?

Old friends and new.

2004-09-20T13:52:00.000+01:00

I wrote this poem ages ago - but it seems quite meaningful now.

I was talking to an old friend of mine on Sunday evening. She asked me had I gone to church that morning. It doesn't surprise me, I know she's concerned about my recent lack of church attendance! She seemed relieved to hear that I had gone to the Quakers. I think some people are worried that I have backslidden, lost God or strayed from the narrow path or whatever that means.

I have been to the Quakers once, and while it made a very very favourable impression and I will certainly be going back, that doesn't mean I'm signing up. And even if I did join the Quakers and become a regular attender, that would be less of a return to my faith as it was 3 or 4 years ago, and more of a moving on into a new and fresh way of spirituality, that is quieter, peaceful, gentle, universalist and profoundly practical. I am seeking a way of living well, fully and deeply that enables and inspires me to see the God in all creation and especially in all people. A religion that is not concerned about the afterlife, or about making people become more like me, but rather a way of finding value and depth in every day experiences and that inspires compassionate living. A way that helps me love myself and respond compassionately to others from my close friends and families to the starving and oppressed in Dafur and the victims of war-torn Iraq. I want a way to live justly and become active in seeking a more just world.

That is what attracts me to the Quakers and that is where I think my spiritual journey is going (whether the Quakers are to be a brief forray, a passing phase or something more lasting than that).

I almost want to say, "Look, I'm still dodgy ok, I'm still on this wierd journey that's taking me away from everything I used to know, I still don't know if God exists, I'm still following my universalist leanings, I'm still pro gay and I'm really happy, I'm not coming back to the narrow road again!" But then, I also want to share my life with my friends, feast on the fresh bread that I'm finding in the most unexpected of places and invite them to join me, should they wish.

I wonder if it will be possible for old friends to understand the new me? Is it possible for me to reconcile my past experiences of faith with a new and fresh spirituality?

Today I am confused :S

MOVING ON

Say goodbye.
Time moves on,
Things change,
People change,
I've changed most of all.

Old friendships fade into the distance,
Still special, still valued,
But different now

New friendships form,
Fellow sojourners,
The excluded and the rebellious,
The skeptics and the mystics,
Gathering to scan the horizon
For glimmers of hope.

Each one sees differently,
Stories mingle,
Like magical potions,
Giving birth to dreams.

Former enemies embrace one another
With the kiss of forgiveness.
The past forgotten,
Or laughed at fondly,
Gently mocking our own stupidity.
It doesn't matter now,
Not to us as we light the campfire,
Gather around,
Tell our stories,
Sing home-spun songs,
Share dreams,
Eat home-made bread,
Drink home-brewed wine.

Old friends in the background,
Is it safe to tell you my stories?
Stories of new visions,
When everything changed?
Stories of how I lost everything
And felt the chill of darkness?
Stories of how hopelessness turned into dawn?

Will you understand?
I fear you will fear for me.
This way of stories is too dangerous for some.
Or will you be angry?
Will you dare to share fresh bread with me
And drink new wine?

Don't want to say goodbye,
Not forever
But this distance may be necessary.
We travel different paths now.

A comfortable discomfort - Reflections on a first visit to a Quaker meeting

2004-09-19T13:48:00.000+01:00

Well finally I got round to doing what I've been intending to do for about 6 months - visit a Quaker meeting. So might as well play mystery worshipper and write a review!

I arrived about 10 minutes early with Ken. We were greeted on the door by a friendly lady asking if we were new to Quakers or new to Southampton, or both. Having said we were new to Quakers she asked if we knew anything, if we had any questions, wanted to know what to expect etc...offered us a leaflet explaining the meeting and we entered.

The room was bright, airy, and of course silent. Surprisingly I settled into the silence fairly quickly. Looking around I smiled at the absence of any formal leader, song, sermon etc. For the first time on entering a church I knew that I was not going to be bored/outraged/bemused/baffled by any Biblical exposition, nor would there by any need for a post-meeting theological deconstruction! Hurrah!

There was a mix of people, one child, a few people who looked my age or perhaps a little older and then a good range of people who were, well obviously a little/lot older than me. Most were simply dressed, a few wearing T-shirts wth peace activist slogans. I liked this muchly!

The silence was interspersed with a few words. These were not "words" in the Pentecostal/charismatic sense. There was no need for fanfare, or "This is what God is saying" or hype, merely the humble offerings reflecting on the thoughts or recent experiences of the attenders.

About 10 minutes in a lady read from Advices and Queries....notably changing the Christian language of the original to make it more inclusive. While there is no shame in a Christian heritage, I must say, I rather appreciated the gesture, openness and concern for inclusivity that her attitude suggested.

And so she read...

"Take heed, dear Friends, the the promptings of the Spirit of love and truth in your hearts. Trust them as the leadings of God whose Light shows us our darness and brings us to new life.

Bring the whole of your life under the ordering of the Spirit. Are you open to the healing power of God's love? Cherish that of God within you, so that this love may grow in you and guide you. Let your worship and your daily life enrich each other. Treasure your experience of God, however it comes to you. Remember that Spirituality is not a notion but a way."

I liked the last bit and it stuck in my head for most of the rest of the meeting - Spirituality is not a notion but a way - such an idea, I think is rather lost these days. In my post church meanderings to meditation classes, visits to spiritual shops, wiccan places, new age stuff - I couldn't help but wonder if some of popular spirituality is not something of a fashion accessory. An add on to life with no strings or commitment attached. A way to find personal contentment and feel thoroughly spiritual, because yeah man, it is soooo cool. Now Buddhism most certainly does not approve of that, and nor does any truly spiritual path encourage trendy spirituality with no commitment, personal cost or discomfort and I feel I should be careful about judging anyone's spirituality as shallow.

But this reminded me, that my quest is not for crystals, spells and fancy things, and spirituality isn't about sitting on the floor feeling peaceful and self satisfied. It is a way - a way to find meaning, to appreciate life and other people so as to life fully and compassionately.

And so the silence continued and I reflected on such thoughts. Another person stood up about half an hour later and reflected on a trip she had just taken to Salisbury cathedral with 2 friends and a teacher from Russia who was part of a charity organising for the victims of Chernoble to visit the UK. While in the cathedral there was a call to prayer for peace across the world, and she reflected on standing in friendship and prayer with a friend from a nation that we had previously feared, in Salisbury cathedral which welcomes visitors from all over the world. And so it caused me to reflect on my friendships with people from all over the world - with Germans (who we were at war with 60 years ago), with Spanish, Greek, Indian, Chinese, Australian, Romanian, American people. It is really something quite special to be in friendship with people from all over this world.

So feeling thorougly happy with my life and determining to appreciate my frienships with international people, I was a little surprised at the final contribution to the meeting. A man stood up, having just visited an exhibition in memory of Chernoble, Hiroshima and Nagasaki, reflecting on the photos of incredible human suffering. Then he commented about Iraq and the current bloodshed, that I have become so accustomed to and bored of that I no longer watch it on the news or read about it in the newspaper, preferring to turn the page as though it was a soap story line that had outrun its entertainment value and needed to be tied up quickly before the viewer ratings dropped. And he said, "Those are real people who really hurt".

It was uncomfortable, reminding me of my good fortune and privilege in a world where people do experience real pain and real hurt at the hands of other human beings. It left me feeling helpless, because I cannot change Iraq, I cannot alleviate the suffering of the victims of Chernoble or Hiroshima and I cannot turn the clock back on Beslan. I am also reminded of the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, whose book, "Living Buddha, Living Christ" I am currently reading who wrote that if our meditation causes us to forget that there are thousands dying of hunger and suffering then we are not practising mindfulness. And I think it is also true that if our prayer, contemplation, meditation causes us to forget that others suffer, others are hungry, others are fleeing in fear from their homes, others are working in child labour sweatships...then we do not worship. It is not comfortable, but it is not meant to be.

On the way out we had a very friendly chat with a few Quakers, particularly one who offered us much leaflets and information. I felt welcomed in the meeting house, and strangely at home. It was comfortable, yet permitting and enabling me to experience the discomfort of what it is to be a human who has much in a world were many have so little, and some have nothing at all.

Permission to screw up....

2004-09-08T23:09:00.000+01:00

http://a_musing.blogspot.com/2004/06/human.html...

I stumbled across this blog, looking for people with an interest in Quakers. Anyway, I like this poem a lot. It is true that human beings do want to be better, self-improvement and all the rest of it. I may consider myself at least a little above the vanity of liposuction and face lifts (then again I am 24 and thankfully don't need a face lift yet) but there are other things.

Like at least every few weeks I decide to

-get up earlier
-go to bed later (which judging from the time I'm typing this it seems I'm not fulfilling that goal)
-spend less time on the internet/watching TV
-read more
-work more
-take up more hobbies, because obviously we can only truly be human if we are superhuman, social activists, all singing, all salsa dancing community volunteers

Of course, I never actually do it - although I did sign up for a Pilates class and I have read an entire book this week and it is only Wednesday... But I am not perfect. Spiritually, psychologically I am not perfect. I am not a perfect friend - but if I was, how would I know who my true friends are. A friend of mine apologised for not calling in a while because she knew that I'd not fuck off if she didn't return my call - so she called all the other people first. In the nicest possible way, I am quite pleased by that - that's true friendship - to know that a friend is your friend when you screw up.

And it is true, my closest friends have seen me at my best and my worst. They've seen me being very kind and generous, they've also seen me ratty, snappy and ill-tempered. That is how I know they are my friends. Similarly, I know that I'm their friend when they are not super human patron saints of patience...and I'm still their friend.

This weekend, my partner of 5 months had his first wonderful opportunity to see me in the throws of illness when I came down with the throat infection from hell. He saw me getting pissed off, whinging, being thorougly ungrateful for all that I have and turning into a self-pitying and demanding moan. I must admit, part of me is surprised he hung around for so long - but now, almost recovered, I realise, he's a true friend and he wasn't going to go home - no, he looked after his sick little psychobitch - and so I experienced kindness and grace.

We can't experience grace either if we're perfect all the time. I'm me - I swear sometimes, I get pissed off with lorry drivers who cut me off and give them the fingers whilst also trying to investigate Buddhist mediation and Quaker pacifism...yes, I am an imperfect little bundle of contradictions, but that is what makes me human, real and authentic rather than a super-saint. Dorothy Day was once asked if she thought she would be beatified and made a saint, she said that she hoped she wouldn't be dismissed so easily.

And I relate to that. In all the mess, the confusion, the contradictions, the joys and the utter fuck ups I am human, and its is my humanity that is beautiful.

That's something I never realised before in the cult of self-improvement that the Christian church can be sometimes - everyone striving to be more holy, read more, pray more, study the Bible more and work on this and work on that etc...
It is the same in many arenas. In work when they sent us off on that ridiculous grad school program and we had to listen to hours of pop psychology telling us how to be more productive, earn more money, have a better CV, be better at interviews and go get 'em kids. But never once did anyone say - hey, its ok to be tired, to be fed up, to be yourself, sod work and take an extended holiday - never once did they say, dossing off work at lunch time on a sunny day to take a trip to the beach can be pure therapy!

I never want to be part of such a rat-race, even if I will have a PhD in the next couple of years! In school when it was made out that unless you got good grades your life would be so over and so meaningless and so empty because you couldn't go to uni and get a degree and therefore a "worthwhile" job.

Parents do it to their kids. They're always boasting - , "mine can walk"; "mine can ride a tricycle"; "mine has learnt his colours"; "mine knows shapes"; and "well mine has read Tolstoy and he's only 3 years old!!" My parents' friends still do it - except now its the competition to see whose kid gets on the most prestigious degree course, or lands the best job!

Reflecting back on previous experiences working with kids who had learning delays - I wonder how those parents felt. Disappointed? Perhaps, but ultimately a person is a person and is worth something. When I babysit a kid who can't talk at 10 years old or meet a person whose learning disability prevents them from doing and acheiving all the things that society says are worth something I wonder if I am not staring true humanity in the face - this is what we are, worthy of love, affection and care - even if we aren't the perfect specimens society things we should be.

So maybe its important to throw out the self help books and screw up once in a while. If we don't, how will we ever know what it is to be accepted and loved whatever we do? And how will we learn to express the same tolerance and acceptance towards others?

Oslo here I come

2004-09-08T16:31:00.000+01:00

I'm going to Oslo at the end of the month. How spang-taculous! I'll be presenting a poster at a meeting for all the world experts in AD/HD. It should certainly be interesting!

Then its off to New York in January - it seems I've caught the travelling bug!

Just one problem, I seem to have misplaced my passport and its going to be a race to get it all sorted out in time to go, but I should just about be able to do it. *Crosses Fingers*!!

The end of D&D

2004-08-26T13:20:00.000+01:00

It feels as though my church is being shut down!! 24-7 prayer have decided to close down Debate and discuss...see www.24-7talkback.com for ever. *Cry*

But what do I love most about it - I think its the freedom to say what I think and hear the open and honest thoughts of others. My prejudices have been challenged, my deepest doubts voiced, my frustrations heard and understood with an unconditional acceptance that is altogether too rare in Christian and religious circles.

All in all the spiritual journey of discovery that I've been on for the past few years have been largely supported and sparked by the debate and discuss community.

I can't help but reflect on the first interfaith debate, where I started, clear in my convictions that Christians should only be praying to God through Jesus with other Christians. I failed miserably to recognise that God was far bigger than my narrow little Christianity. And it was there with a certain bloody minded poster under the name of Liberal that I thrashed it out, did the polemics, left the debate all the more firm in my convictions that inter faith was a shameful compromise and that all True Christians TM should be praying with other True Christians TM for the heathens, Muslims and Liberals alike. And no doubt Liberal left the discussion equally convinced that conservatives were small minded and blind little biggots with no understanding of Christ's inclusivity.

Whoever would have thought that a couple of years later, Liberal would have turned Post_Liberal and together we'd walk through Southampton with the Interfaith link, learning and expressing our friendship and connection to people of all faiths. Whoever would have thought that us two argumentative little bastards would find ourselves breaking chapattis and feasting on deliciously teeth rotting orange sugary stuff in the Vedic temple, laughing at each other wearing bright orange head scarves in the Sikh temple, receiving a warm welcome from the mosque as they welcomed me without a head covering (a gesture that I must say was both deeply touching and profound, they welcomed me for me, not asking me to conform to their practices, yet welcoming me and sharing hospitality), before sitting in the quiet of the Friends' meeting house.

Whoever would have thought that a few years later, the deepest spiritual experience I can remember was standing in a room in silence, side by side with people of all faiths reflecting on the maddness of an act of terrorism in Istanbul and commiting ourselves to friendship and the pursuit of peace before the God of all peoples?

How times have changed. Its been a good journey - I hope its not over yet.

God Within

2004-07-29T18:15:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking lately about going back to church - not that I am actually going to do it. I'm far too happy not going - although discussion groups and various activies are still very worthwhile. I've been pondering what my "issue" with church is and I think its this - quite simply, I don't do authority very well. I don't think any minister, priest or elder, no matter how many years they've been to theology school is any more qualified for a life of faith than anyone else. That's not to say that we can't learn from each other - indeed, we should - but merely that I do not do authority figures.

And another thing - I don't do "We believe the creeds", because why should I believe the creeds? And I don't believe the Bible either - well, I find bits of it very helpful, but I don't "believe" it as such. And I have lots of doubts about lots of things - resurrections, virgin births, miracles. And whatever people believe, I do not think it should be a requirement in order to be accepted and recognised as having a contribution to make to the faith community.

I've found myself irked in recent debates about the resurrection as I feel as though some people are saying..."Woah there, you're getting far too dodgy now...", effectively implying that I should believe what they believe, or at least something a little more similar to it. And there's nothing makes me want to disbelieve more than someone telling me I should believe. Ah, I'm a bloody minded little rascal!!

So, believe it or not, I turned to the Bible, remembering a verse that I still come back to...

"...no longer shall each one teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying, 'Know the LORD,' for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the LORD."

That's what I'm trying to say. The church, the Bible, the creeds - they tell us what to think, how to live, what to do from outside of ourselves. God on the otherhand, resides within us. I think what I need is to learn to listen to God within - God as the depth, source and meaning of my human existence (whatever that is ;P)

The devil's work is never done...

2004-07-27T17:37:00.000+01:00

I'm still working on this stupid document. On the plus point it is nearly done and will be submitted tomorrow come hell or high water...then there'll be time for debates with Laurence - you have been warned!!!

More work...

2004-07-24T15:59:00.000+01:00

Well what do you know - the first sunny day for ages and I'm stuck in the library making modifications to my write up. How annoying! Grrr...

The upshot is that I'm also having a debate with someone about the humanity/divinity of Christ. And I've decided I think that Jesus' humanity was his divinity. We too often think that one part of Jesus was human (the part that was a carpenter, the part that was crucified, the part that was friends with Mary Magdalene) and then there was another part that was divine (the bit that did miracles, was transfigured and rose from the dead.)

I think that's not really a good way to see it. Rather, I think the whole of Jesus was divine. He was (and perhaps is) the divine with us, in our work, celebrating our weddings, grieving at our funerals, in our friendships and relationships, probably not in our religious institutions (Jesus was none too fond of those) but most definately in the people around us who we usually wouldn't give a second glace to.

Interesting thoughts...

However, I think there is but one exception to "everything is divine" and that is my current piece of work. Neurobiology of AD/HD just doesn't cut it - its from the devil.

Finished...

2004-07-22T20:00:00.000+01:00

Ah, there's nothing quite like writing those two words..."In conclusion..." :)

I've finished the main part of my write up, all that reminds is to sort out the references, compile the appendices and slaughter a few rainforests in printing it all out several times.

Of course, I say this now - I'm just waiting for my supervisor to email it all back with a ton of red typing over everything!! *Sigh*

Oh well, that doesn't matter because I've finished work for the day and all that remains now is to pop into Ken's on the way home demanding celebratory wine - he handed his work in today...*jealousy*.

Sacrament and Communion

2004-07-21T12:47:00.000+01:00

I've been chatting to Robert and Laurence about communion. They both really enjoy it and find a lot of depth in it. Fair play to them...but I don't. Anyway, I've decided its not worth worrying about if I don't really get much out of the average communion service. Robert blames it on my evangelical background - which is probably quite fair.

I think the purpose of a sacrament is to communicate God in the ordinary every day things - to realise that God is with us. That's the whole point of the incarnation, at least as I understand it.

Anyway, I wrote this rather odd little poem!

The Sacrament

They say all are welcome to join in Christ's meal
If you're baptised
If you're confirmed
If you've accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and saviour
Please join us.

Feast on our pious wafer
Or humble piece of bread,
Sip wine from our silver chalice
Or grape juice from a plastic cup.

Sacrament, Emmanuel.

But I'm sorry,
Not me.
I do not believe.
I have no personal Lord
No personal saviour
Not me.

Let the cup pass me by.

But I'd pray a prayer
If i knew how to pray it
That compassion of heart and generosity of spirit
Might embrace the pragmatism of action
To share my bread with the hungry
And share wine with the weak.
To fill the stomachs of the poor
And our mouths with laughter.

And I'd pray a prayer
If I know how to pray it
That my table might be filled
With the unbelievers of all persuasions
All colours, creeds and races welcomed
With old and young, ill and healthy, rich and poor,
Educated and uneducated, priviledged and underclass
Religious and unbelieving joined as equals
To feast together on the bread of friendship
And share the cup of human joy.

Sacrament, Emmanuel.

Today I will do some work...

2004-07-21T12:10:00.000+01:00

Yes I will...really!

I'm currently working on my MPhil-PhD transfer document and it is sooooo boring and the internet is just far too good of a distraction.

I think I have ADHD - they say you get what you study sooner or later and I have all the signs...

distractability
hyperactive
inattentive
fidgetty

Yup - that's me & this blog is a symptom!