-- Ruthie-Annie: ARGH!

Honest to God thoughts from an unconvinced Quaker psychologist

"Had she thought there was no meaning in life, no purpose, when God had gone?...'Well there is now,' she said aloud, and again, louder: 'There is now...We have to be all those difficult things, like cheerful and kind and curious and patient, and we've got to study and think and work hard, all of us...and then we'll build...the Republic of Heaven." Lyra, In 'The Amber Spyglass', Philip Pullman

Friday, April 01, 2005

ARGH!

Caution, rant ahead.

I'm really starting to hate my PhD. Ok, that started some time ago...but I *REALLY* hate it now. I'm so bored! I spend my days doing lots of general boring administrative tasks. I find having lots of little things to do really grates on me - I'm no good at organising and getting everything done and constantly feel swamped. There is no end in sight - I've worked for over 2 years on the one project and its really doing my head in now. It really feels like I've accomplished nothing in over 2 years.

I haven't got enough participants to do any sort of meaningful analysis from my New York research and I have another study to run in England and if it doesn't work out I'm going to have no worthwhile data to speak of for my PhD...in all honesty, I don't feel confident that my study is of any real value and have no idea how I'm going to write it all up - and then there's the small matter of defending it!

I have 9 months left of funding and I really don't know if I'll get everything done on time. A big part of me wants to take the MPhil I can now claim from the university and run - and the reason I'm not doing that - well, everyone knows an MPhil is seen as a failed PhD and I know that won't look good on a clinical application. And what do I plan to do as soon as my PhD ends - get on to a clinical course and escape research land.

When I get bored with admin, I start surfing the web for clinical courses and making little lists of what courses I'd like to apply for.

I'm starting to see the wisdom of living in the present because right now I'm flipping between dreaming of how marvellous it will be when I finally make it on to a clinical course and panicking about how I'm ever going to manage to do a PhD!

4 Comments:

At 9:49 PM, Rach said...: Ruthie, you'll be great! You'll get everything done. Don't worry. Just keep doing all the little things and the big things will fall into place...

Rachxx
At 12:27 AM, postliberal said...: From what you've told me about your work over time, I reckon you'll make a pretty fine contribution to things. It's something very important and directly worthwhile to people's lives. In know that might not be the best personal motivator, but I trust you to find the drive to get through - and when you do, a lot of people will be grateful.

Oh and I must say you're doing a grand job of convincing me to carry on reaching to do postgraduate research myself!
At 1:41 AM, Ruthie said...: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Stay away from it while you still can!

Get a job lad, get a job! Earn a real salary and have a life ;)

Ruthie

PS. In seriousness, good luck with your postgrad applications. I admire your drive - my PhD rather fell on my lap if I'm honest!
At 10:43 AM, Anonymous said...: Oh dear, I was in this position about two years into my PhD, and all of a sudden, two weeks away from running out of money, everything's clicked, and essentially started to write itself. Though I'm not planning on staying in academia, so all of a sudden loose ends don't bother me any more :)