Happy Valentines Day!
Ah, its the first Valentines day in 5 years that I have had a partner to celebrate with. But where is he - England. And where am I - America. No candlelit dinner for two for me then :'(
However, rather than succomb to a blubbering display of longing, melancholy and loneliness in this little recess of cyberspace, I thought I would take this opportunity to reflect on the intimate kind of adult love we celebrate on Valentine's day.
There are many legends about St. Valentine - but most of them focus on a priest who lived in Rome and married couples under the persecution of Claudius II, when it was forbidden to marry lovers. Today there are also those amongst us, who are forbidden to marry, whose love and relationships are sometimes considered sinful or dirty and who society refuses to recognise and value for what they are. I am sometimes asked why I, as a woman who is consistently attracted to men and who might be considered altogether conventional in her sexual expression, would be so concerned about gay rights. I've even noticed a few of my gay friends raise their eyebrows. (Others quietly take me to one side and offer me a confidential and understanding ear should I wish to come out of the closet - and I'm sorry to disappoint them!)
But why do I care so much? Is it just that I needed a soap box from which to shout accusations of injustice towards the church that I once belonged to? Is it just that I'm a young, leftie student in need of a cause? Is it just that I like to ride the hobby horses?
I sincerely hope that the answer to these questions is no, and to those who ask why I would be so concerned about gay rights, I remind them of the words of Martin Luther King when he said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Is racial justice just a black/hispanic/asian issue? Should white people be concerned about racial inequality? Today I stumbled across this blogger commenting on another blog I read. I flicked around some if the sites she lists and found it a sad reminder of how many sectors of the church live in misinformation, prejudice and fear. I want to be angry. I want to scream and rant, and grab my placard and start an argument. However, I fear this would not be fruitful and as much as I want to be angry, deep down I am simply saddened, disappointed and drained when I read something that seems so empty and fearful. Sadly, I know many people who think this way.
I know that most of the church is not as rampant with gay-hating homophobia as a few extremists in the gay rights lobby might have us believe. In most congregations, the brave soul who dares to enter and confide that they have "gay tendancies" will probably find someone who is at least a little sympathetic - but there are few bold enough to stick their heads above the parapet and actually give public and vocal support to our gay friends in their relationships.
I see many reasonable Christians (and others) sitting on the fence, avoiding offending people and trying to maintain unity with those who wish to maintain so called "Biblical family values." Quietly saying its no biggie and we should all just have our opinions and live together. Usually when people say this to me, I assume it means - calm down woman, you don't need to be so vocal with your opinions!
However, this is not enough for me. I used to be like this - but when my friends start breaking down on me, asking me if God hates them, why they have been cursed with homosexuality as though it was some kind of disease and when I realise that the incidence of depression, anxiety and suicide is higher amongst the gay population - I start to think, if this is not an issue compassion obliges me to be concerned about - is this not something Christ, ever attacted to the vulnerable and marginalised wouldn't have gravitated towards.
It bothers me greatly when it seems as though some parts of the church and some parts of our society cannot see beyond a set of so-called "biblical values" to see the value of love, generosity and faithfulness in adult sexual relationships. I see this as a threat to family values - not an asset. I wonder if our so called "biblical family values" might not be a threat to the value of love, commitment, faithfulness, healthy sexual relationships and family values everywhere? Is a society who believes family values are about what gender of people you love, not a society missing out on family values of love, community, faithfulness, generosity, integrity, courage, friendship, union and kindness in adult relationships?
I believe liberation for gay people is liberation for all of us in our relationships and marriages. Its liberation for all of us to ensure our relationships are built on love, faithfulness, mutual commitment, generosity and kindness rather than on an inhibiting rule book made up by a religious or politial institution that fails to recognise the breadth of human sexuality. It is liberation for all of us to accept ourselves, love ourselves, accept one another, love one another and seek to live out our sexualities in loving, affirming and tender ways.
I look forward to the day, when I can celebrate the marriages of same sex couples, and stand together, gay, straight, transgendered, black, white, Christian, non-Christian to celebrate our love, publically declare our commitments to one another as couples, and as a wider community who affirm relationships and who seek to help all people, whatever their sexuality, be free to love, give and live together in healthy and life enhancing ways. Then maybe I'll break with Quaker tradition, and in the words of King, open my mouth and bellow out with all the enthusiasm of a Pentecostal on speed - "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last."
However, rather than succomb to a blubbering display of longing, melancholy and loneliness in this little recess of cyberspace, I thought I would take this opportunity to reflect on the intimate kind of adult love we celebrate on Valentine's day.
There are many legends about St. Valentine - but most of them focus on a priest who lived in Rome and married couples under the persecution of Claudius II, when it was forbidden to marry lovers. Today there are also those amongst us, who are forbidden to marry, whose love and relationships are sometimes considered sinful or dirty and who society refuses to recognise and value for what they are. I am sometimes asked why I, as a woman who is consistently attracted to men and who might be considered altogether conventional in her sexual expression, would be so concerned about gay rights. I've even noticed a few of my gay friends raise their eyebrows. (Others quietly take me to one side and offer me a confidential and understanding ear should I wish to come out of the closet - and I'm sorry to disappoint them!)
But why do I care so much? Is it just that I needed a soap box from which to shout accusations of injustice towards the church that I once belonged to? Is it just that I'm a young, leftie student in need of a cause? Is it just that I like to ride the hobby horses?
I sincerely hope that the answer to these questions is no, and to those who ask why I would be so concerned about gay rights, I remind them of the words of Martin Luther King when he said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Is racial justice just a black/hispanic/asian issue? Should white people be concerned about racial inequality? Today I stumbled across this blogger commenting on another blog I read. I flicked around some if the sites she lists and found it a sad reminder of how many sectors of the church live in misinformation, prejudice and fear. I want to be angry. I want to scream and rant, and grab my placard and start an argument. However, I fear this would not be fruitful and as much as I want to be angry, deep down I am simply saddened, disappointed and drained when I read something that seems so empty and fearful. Sadly, I know many people who think this way.
I know that most of the church is not as rampant with gay-hating homophobia as a few extremists in the gay rights lobby might have us believe. In most congregations, the brave soul who dares to enter and confide that they have "gay tendancies" will probably find someone who is at least a little sympathetic - but there are few bold enough to stick their heads above the parapet and actually give public and vocal support to our gay friends in their relationships.
I see many reasonable Christians (and others) sitting on the fence, avoiding offending people and trying to maintain unity with those who wish to maintain so called "Biblical family values." Quietly saying its no biggie and we should all just have our opinions and live together. Usually when people say this to me, I assume it means - calm down woman, you don't need to be so vocal with your opinions!
However, this is not enough for me. I used to be like this - but when my friends start breaking down on me, asking me if God hates them, why they have been cursed with homosexuality as though it was some kind of disease and when I realise that the incidence of depression, anxiety and suicide is higher amongst the gay population - I start to think, if this is not an issue compassion obliges me to be concerned about - is this not something Christ, ever attacted to the vulnerable and marginalised wouldn't have gravitated towards.
It bothers me greatly when it seems as though some parts of the church and some parts of our society cannot see beyond a set of so-called "biblical values" to see the value of love, generosity and faithfulness in adult sexual relationships. I see this as a threat to family values - not an asset. I wonder if our so called "biblical family values" might not be a threat to the value of love, commitment, faithfulness, healthy sexual relationships and family values everywhere? Is a society who believes family values are about what gender of people you love, not a society missing out on family values of love, community, faithfulness, generosity, integrity, courage, friendship, union and kindness in adult relationships?
I believe liberation for gay people is liberation for all of us in our relationships and marriages. Its liberation for all of us to ensure our relationships are built on love, faithfulness, mutual commitment, generosity and kindness rather than on an inhibiting rule book made up by a religious or politial institution that fails to recognise the breadth of human sexuality. It is liberation for all of us to accept ourselves, love ourselves, accept one another, love one another and seek to live out our sexualities in loving, affirming and tender ways.
I look forward to the day, when I can celebrate the marriages of same sex couples, and stand together, gay, straight, transgendered, black, white, Christian, non-Christian to celebrate our love, publically declare our commitments to one another as couples, and as a wider community who affirm relationships and who seek to help all people, whatever their sexuality, be free to love, give and live together in healthy and life enhancing ways. Then maybe I'll break with Quaker tradition, and in the words of King, open my mouth and bellow out with all the enthusiasm of a Pentecostal on speed - "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last."
posted by Ruthie @ 3:06 AM
11 comments
11 Comments:
Hi Ruthie -
I wonder if you know that the 15th Street Meeting has pronounced itself willing to marry same gender couples on the same basis as different-gender couples? The Meeting took a long time to come to this position. After many years of failing to reach any unity whatever, Friends agreed in the late 1990's that the Meeting would want to celebrate or affirm a same-gender union if opportunity arose, but it did not use the word marriage. Two women Friends did indeed celebrate their union at a meeting for worship called for that purpose. In the years following we took the additional step of saying we'd be open to calling these unions "marriages", but so far no one has asked to be married under our care in this way. (Only couples at least one of whom is a member of the Society of Friends are eligible).
Of course, any such wedding would be of doubtful legality given the present state of the law in the State of New York, but Friends remember that all Friends' weddings were illegal in the early days of the Quaker movement due to a requirement in England at the time that a priest must officiate.
I strongly support this policy of the Meeting and actually consider it a conservative position: surely the practical alternative to affirming responsible, committed and faithful relationships would e to encourage promiscous, irresponsible, and faithless relationships.
A few Friends I know believe that the Meeting should go farther in breaking away from "traditional" concepts of marriage and should not require different-gender couples to get licenses when they are joined by the Meeting. I disagree with this, as I think that the state has a legitimate interest in trying to provide a framework of responsibility for people who become vulnerable to each other by joining their lives.
In general I take a fairly conservative view of sexual ethics and morality and do my best to live accordingly. But denying marriage to loving couples is not my idea of defending family values.
- - Rich
The Brooklyn Quaker
Dilomatic communication and concern for others is becoming an ever scarer commodity with time, especially in the Church. I would affirm the need to ensure that a culture of consensus-repression doesn't fall across the Church in this country. But I would not be eager to hastily sacrifice some sembelence of communion with those who disagree with me on the alter of radical change. Loving relationships have regard for all others, and seek to cultivate healthy relating - whether that 'other' is gay or ultra-conservative.
It just takes some incredibley good imagination to remember these two imperitives in any action or spoken voice.
Thanks for that Rich - good to know :) BTW, where I come from you'd be considered a devilish liberal & lost to the homosexual agenda or something like that ;) That said, I agree with you entirely - loving couples display something so precious and valuable that it is good to recognise, affirm and support that.
Laurence - ah - such a peacemaker. I find diplomatic communication on this topic difficult. So many of the arguments I have heard are, imo, so terribly misguided. I've had to listen to psychological theories be ransacked and abused. Then I get to hear the most warped reporting of statistics. Then I get to listen to the same people in the same breath write off psychology as a secular institution blinded to the plain truth of God's word. (For those who don't know both the governing bodies in the UK and US have issued statements to the effect that homosexuality is not a disorder and therefore cannot and should not be "treated".)
But much worse than hearing my intellect insulted and my chosen field of work written off is listening to these arguments and attitudes that have had such a devastating impact on some of my closest friends. For some people this isn't about church unity - its about their personhood, identity and life-long relationships.
Its a tough one :( One of those times when I struggle to see that of God in people and am more want to beat them over the head with their own big heavy Bibles! (Perhaps I'm not a very good Quaker ;).)
I have similar impulses in that I'm utterly partisan in my opinions - as a Christian I think there should be normalisation of gay people in the Church and wider society. I hope to see it, as part of the kingdom of God. This is a very clear and strong impulse and I will stand up for it.
But I also have friends who have different approaches to me. And their sympathetic perspectives help me to consider a little of them when I hold forth on what I think of it. When I consider personhood and identity it would be a crime against the gospel for me to discount care for my relationship with them, as much as for failing to see acceptance and affirmation of people who happen to be homosexual. Maybe I'm inconsistent along the way; but I think Church unity is no more abstract than 'gay rights', it's as much about real people and concrete concerns. God forgive us if we forget our calling to affirm everyone around us...
But what if our relationship with some prevents us from giving affirmation to others? Where do we draw the line as it were?
This was one of the biggest (perhaps the biggest) reason I went a-wandering from the church - so yes I guess I do know how difficult church dis-unity can be, having experienced something of an exile myself.
I have no regrets in washing my hands of a few things - and this is one of them. Its not that I've discounted my relationships with people - I still hope to be friends, simply that I don't feel able to worship in an environment that is so unaffirming towards others.
Having said that, I admire your willingness to affirm all people and to maintain relationships and even "Christian fellowship" (what Christianese language, wash my mouth out with soap) with people from the other side of the partisan fence. I find it hard to balance my desire to maintain unity with people whose convictions on this issue are different and my convictions regarding the need to express our acceptance and affirmation of gay people. If expressing these convictions, means I cause some dissention in the ranks - so be it. When Wilberforce affirmed the dignity of black people and condemned slavery I'm not sure that he did it over English tea and ever so Anglican cucumber sandwiches ;P.
Ruthie
PS. Please can I hit some people around the head with their own Bibles - please, please, please. Surely this is not such a great violation of the peace testimony? Can we put it down to youthful zeal so all will be forgiven?
If you feel God calling you to do that, then so be it ;P
Wherever I go, I find something at issue - there’s always something that strikes me as difficult to go along with. Institutional religion -whether Methodist, Quaker, or Anglican - includes compromise. You have to hold what you do lightly in order to be able to relate to others in a community. I've found that, no matter how hard I might believe some things, I will be a pretty lonely worshiper unless I can stand alongside those who are different. Yes challenge where I think necessary, but relating must include a measure of respect and affirmation. If I want others to respect and listen openly to me, then I really should be prepared to do the same with them - whatever their creed.
Hi Ruthie,
Thanks for linking to the book Seeds of Deception. You really should read the book because it will open your eyes. And I say this not only because I have read this book and am promoting it for the author, but also because I have experienced similar things as I've looked into the homosexual movement and engaged those wounded by homosexuality.
For me it's not a matter of hating the gay population at all, in fact it is the exact opposite. I had a brother die of AIDS who was gay and I also have friends who are gay. But the issue is about absolute truth that is found in Christ alone. And He has called us to speak the truth in love. And the truth is that homosexuality is not a natural God given behavior because we know God made male and female in the garden and considers homosexual acts an abomnination. His words, not mine.
All that said, all sexual sin outside of marriage is also a sin. Adultery, fornication etc.
So I would encourage you to read the book - in fact, both books - the bible being the other one. :)
Stacy L. Harp
MediaSoul
Hi Stacy,
Thank you for posting. You've probably noticed that this is an issue that I feel strongly about and one that I often find difficult to communicate on without some level of emotionality coming in. I hope that does not put you off entering into a dialogue with me, as perhaps some discussion around these issues may be mutually beneficial. I trust that you will feel welcome here, although I think my perspective will be very different from your's.
Firstly you say that you have come in contact with those "wounded by homosexuality". I have many gay friends - some of them have certainly taken a few knocks along the way. However, it would be a mistake to assume that this is due to their homosexuality. I'd suggest that issues arising stem from stigma, prejudice and the experience of rejection our gay friends face.
I read on one of the pages that you link to that gay people have higher incidences of mental health problems and suicidality than straight people. This is true - but so do people from ethnic minorities. You can't cure blackness and you can't cure homosexuality - and why? Because neither of them are a disease - they're a variation, a difference, but not a disease. My own conviction is to accept difference and embrace it. The way to alleviate mental health difficulties is not to stamp out differences but rather to offer acceptance and affirmation to people who are different so that they are able to accept themselves and are welcomed into our society.
Can I ask you what is the 'homosexual movement' that you speak of? I have a lot of gay friends, I've attended gay rights rallies, pride events, frequented gay bars, ran a helpline for people who wanted to talk about their sexuality, volunteered in a queer youth shelther and worshipped in a gay church.
I've not noticed any homosexual movement. There are lots of gay people - some are highly politically charged, most are not, some want same-sex marriage legalised, some do not. Gay people aren't out to take over the world! Maybe some are - but so are some straight people!
I find myself frustrated - in a society where the effects of injustice, inequality and violence are all too plain to see, where we spend more on arms than aid, where we go to war and let children starve and die of unnecessary diseases, where community life is disintegrating, where children are exposed to violence and drugs, where there is child prostitution, where there are sweatshops and where our government seems more interested in wealth than in equality and justice throughout the world - and what does the church say - watch out for the lesbians?!
I do not see how homosexuality is not a God-given behaviour. Its natural - we know there are large genetic and biological influences, we know its found in the animal world. The garden of Eden is a wonderful story, its a story about companionship and togetherness, about God putting people together - but to say it shows us that God considers same-sex unions an abomination?! I do not see how that connection can be made.
I have read the Bible - I do not believe it to be condemnatory of faithful, stable, loving same-sex relationships.
Ruthie
Laurence,
If someone's creed is homophobia, then I will not affirm that. I'll affirm their humanity, their worth and even their right to believe that and say it. But I will not affirm homophobia and I must affirm the rights of gay people. I'll listen - but I must also be prepared to speak.
I'm trying to learn to do that with a greater measure of respect and trying to see the good in that person and in their motivations. But for me, that is as challenging as learning to see the good in a person who is racist.
You are right and inspiring in what you say - the need to hold loosely to our perspectives and to make room for others. I sympathise with that - but should we make room for what I see as categorically abusive and damaging to others? Should we make room for slavery, for racism, for violence?
Ruthie
Ruth Ann -
That all sounds very sensible. This is not so much arguing, as drawing things out to see where it might lead. The way I see it, I have friends who think some things that I affirm are abusive and damaging. There's the rub - if we see only antipathy of belief then there will be a chasm between us, with relating only in terms of conversion.
Call me an outrageous pragmatist, but I believe in relationships that exist regardless of our particulars. Yes, challenge where you think it needed. But allow faith relating, with all the affirming acceptance that is fully a part of it, to exist to the side of this. I'm not necessarily advocating the sin of omission, more calling for a Church that deals in mutual life regardless of our turmoils and prophetic discourse.
Stacy -
Your choice of language there is interesting, as it seems to deal in the same kinds of phraseology (being blinded, needing to see a fair perspective) that some would use to describe how your position needs to be challenged. I'm not sure what that says about how we deal with this area of concern, but I should point out that I've advocated normalisation of homosexuality in the Church for as long as I've sat down with my bible and thought it through in the light of church tradition and my experiences. The thing is, I have yet to be convinced that our religion automatically denies people simply on account of this.
I have a feeling there will always be differences in how we view people in our Church who happen to be gay. What concerns me more (given that this debate will probably still continue after we've passed away) is how we relate to each other in the body of Christ - and with the people of our societies that we're called to serve - bearing in mind not everyone has the same approach. It's pretty apparent that labelling each other as deceived is not sustainable for the Church, and simply impairs the misseo dei.
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